Well, first of all, the news is good. My scan is the new baseline against which the doctors will compare future scans. It appears to be clear. There is soft tissue that has filled in where the tumor was. This is the norm. They will watch this and see if anything develops there. My white blood cells (absolute neutrophil count) is up some, but not where they would like to see them. They will keep an eye on that. So, here is the plan: In two months I will go back for blood tests. In four months I will go back for another scan. We will continue this pattern until something changes, if for the good, we may discontinue, if not so good, do something else, like more tests. I will have no more chemo, pretty much no matter what.
Now what we do is wait. It is a bit tense, to wait for three and a half years, but then is when I will be officially declared "clear", assuming I make it that far, and that is assuming a lot. I find that I have to sort of rethink my approach to life. I thought I was trying to learn to live with cancer, but now I think perhaps I was busy trying to die well, so to speak. Now I have to think slightly, but not too far, more long term. For example: I have been busy knitting socks. For everyone. I wanted to have each of you have a pair of handknit socks to remember me by. (How weird is that?!) Well, now I think I can think of some larger projects, maybe. And things like what to do with Mensch's room take on a different light too. BC (before cancer), I wanted to redo it into a craft room/guest room. Then it didn't make sense if I wasn't going to live to do any sewing or whatever. Now, it makes more sense again. I went to the eye doctor and got a new prescription. I waited until today's appointment before ordering my glasses. Actually, I haven't ordered them yet, but I have decided to get the more expensive progressive lenses. It's a cost/benefit thing.
Anyway, I thought I would be elated, thrilled with the news and I find that I am not. I just feel sort of flat. But, just as I had to get used to the idea of having cancer and facing the end of my life, so I will have to get used to, maybe, having my life back, at least for a while.
Is this the time to mention our discussion of 'What if'? I had to ask, of course. The answer was that basically, if the cancer comes back, there is nothing, except perhaps a drug trial, that can be done to extend my life. There are pallative measures that can make me more comfortable, but that's all. The main reason they will continue to do the scans is for my peace of mind and to inform my decisions.
