For Crying Out Loud

I had a special privilege on Friday. It was the first day of the SMART program. We have 17 mothers in the group and I think we might be adding one more. That is out of over 50 who inquired. Some didn't follow through and some didn't qualify.

This was the orientation for the program and we had a few speakers, financial aid, their English and College Skills instructors. Two of the mothers had brought their kiddos with them. I think we need to make it clear that this will NOT happen again. As cute as they were (and they both were cute!), it was just too much of a distraction, both to the other mothers and to themselves.

The seventeen month old wanted attention and his mother just kept sshing him, which was not at all effective. Finally one of our student-workers took him for a walk. Good move. The other baby was a nine month old, who had been born prematurely. Very prematurely. Like at 23 weeks. He weighed just over a pound at birth. So, though a nine month old would have been wiggly and wanting down, this little one was okay with staying in his stroller. At first. But the class was 2 hours long. That is asking a lot of a wee one. The mother was calm, but I could tell she was starting to worry about how this was going and if her son might be a distraction to the others. I offered to take him and she gladly accepted.

At first, he was interested in my jewelry, which was fine, but then his little eyelids started to drift. Try as he might, he was losing the battle. I bounced and I rocked and I adjusted his position until he seemed most comfortable. And he fell asleep on my shoulder. I could smell the lovely scent of baby oil in his hair, feel the faint sweat on his curls as he nestled in my neck. What a privilege. What memories it brought back, what hopes for the future.

Posted by Maman at 9:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I declare myself officially Over The Hill as of today. How do I know this, you ask? I was in Wal-Mart this afternoon. No, that doesn't do it alone. It is what transpired there.

I picked up some school glue for a project we are doing with the women in the SMART program. You know me, I always have to have a messy art project in there somewhere. We are going to be making collages reflecting hopes, fears and what they bring to the program. I have been advised by "Those Who Know" (artist types) that glue sticks will only hold for about a week or two and that either Elmer's type or rubber cement are better choices. I want these on display, so Elmer's it had to be. Since everyone is gearing up for back to school, the glue was very cheap (9 cents!).

Then I got to thinking, it's messy! What is the best, easiest way to clean fingers after using this stuff? Baby wipes! Of course! But the diapers and such didn't seem to be in the Health and Beauty aisle. I saw a slightly scruffy looking stock boy, so I asked him, "Can you tell me where the diapers are?" He looked me over quickly and responded,

"Which ones?"

Now, there is no point in getting huffy or coming to my defense. I thought it was pretty funny, actually. It is much more a reflection on him than on me. I told the women in the office and Ruth said that it was stand-up-comedy-routine-funny. Only, I don't think I could have thought it up myself.

Posted by Maman at 7:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It was Saturday. I had a few errands to run and I asked Daddy if he would like to join me. So, off we trod to Joann's. We were crossing the parking lot to enter the store as Daddy put his hand on my shoulder. I felt as though a hair was being pulled and moved Daddy's hand off. He looked to see what I was complaining about and found a bee had stung me. Daddy got the stinger out and squeezed to get out some of the venom. That is when the amazing thing happened . . .

nothing. Yes, nothing. I didn't get sick. I didn't get dizzy. I didn't throw up. I didn't run a fever. I didn't have to go to the emergency ward. Daddy put a little Benedryl on the spot when we got to the car and we went about our errands. I reacted like a 'normal' person. It was sort of special.

And Daddy and were both relieved that the bee didn't sting him! That might sound bad on Daddy's part, but believe me, I am really, really glad that he wasn't stung. That would have been a disaster!

By the way, photos from the family reunion are on my Flickr site. Only problem seems to be is that I discovered that I have 2 Flickr sites. Don't know how that happened. And they both have family reunion photos on them, but from different years.

Posted by Maman at 7:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Daddy and I went to group last night. It was sort of a tough one for both of us. R is back in the hospital. She has not been able to take her chemo for about 3 months now and her brain tumor has grown/returned, as she feared it would. M1 has had another massive internal bleed. Her doctor told her that her abdoman is just full of cancer and it is just a matter of time -- 3 to 6 months. M2 is going in for yet another surgery (his fourth), this one for metastasis to the lungs. He lives with his mother (who must be in her 70's) who has lung cancer and is experiencing difficulties in swallowing. L had a recurrance and started a new round of treatments. And that is just in my group. Daddy had similar stories to tell, but with different people. Very little overlap.

It got me to thinking. As we turned out the light last night, I made Daddy promise that if I had a recurrance, he would call Hospice first thing, no matter what I said to the contrary. He agreed. I'm letting everyone know so that you can know that this is my wish. Even if I change my mind later. No matter what. Please make sure this happens (in the event that I have a recurrance.) I am not trying to be morbid. I don't think I am going to die anytime soon. I just want to make very sure that we are all on the same page here.

I think this request is in reaction to watching my fellow travelers' lack of action on this front. It seems very clear to me that it is time for all four of these people to be calling Hospice. They are on their ways down. They would benefit from having a travel agent. But none of them are 'ready' for it. I don't understand now how they are feeling, but I may find myself feeling that way if/when I reach their place. Please don't allow my denial/self-delusion/whatever to stop what would be a good thing. Thanks for all the love and support you have given me. I know this hasn't been easy.

Posted by Maman at 10:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

I'm Alive! Wow! I don't know what else to say.

When I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer back in October, I looked on the internet once and was so terrified of what I read on the first site that I vowed not to do that again. Then I had surgery, chemo and radiation. I was too exhausted from all that to go trolling for info. And too frightened, too. Frightened of the disease, the diagnosis, the prognosis.

After receiving the news that my first scan was good, I decided to look to see . . . well, to see more. I was really trying to predict the chance of having a recurrance because I was afraid to hope. The more I read, the more amazed I became. The median life expectancy for pancreatic cancer patients is only 6 months. And here I have made it to 9 months! (Did I say Wow!?!???) Included in that statistic are all the stages of cancer. That means even Stages I and II. Stage III is usually considered non-resectable, yet I had a doctor who took the risk and did it anyway. Why was it a risk? Well, there was a very good that I wouldn't survive the surgery. (I sort of didn't really 'hear' that when I talked to the surgeon. Selective hearing!) In other words, it is really sort of miraculous that I am still alive. I find it nothing short of amazing!
WOW!