Yesterday was hard
Daddy and I went to group last night. It was sort of a tough one for both of us. R is back in the hospital. She has not been able to take her chemo for about 3 months now and her brain tumor has grown/returned, as she feared it would. M1 has had another massive internal bleed. Her doctor told her that her abdoman is just full of cancer and it is just a matter of time -- 3 to 6 months. M2 is going in for yet another surgery (his fourth), this one for metastasis to the lungs. He lives with his mother (who must be in her 70's) who has lung cancer and is experiencing difficulties in swallowing. L had a recurrance and started a new round of treatments. And that is just in my group. Daddy had similar stories to tell, but with different people. Very little overlap.
It got me to thinking. As we turned out the light last night, I made Daddy promise that if I had a recurrance, he would call Hospice first thing, no matter what I said to the contrary. He agreed. I'm letting everyone know so that you can know that this is my wish. Even if I change my mind later. No matter what. Please make sure this happens (in the event that I have a recurrance.) I am not trying to be morbid. I don't think I am going to die anytime soon. I just want to make very sure that we are all on the same page here.
I think this request is in reaction to watching my fellow travelers' lack of action on this front. It seems very clear to me that it is time for all four of these people to be calling Hospice. They are on their ways down. They would benefit from having a travel agent. But none of them are 'ready' for it. I don't understand now how they are feeling, but I may find myself feeling that way if/when I reach their place. Please don't allow my denial/self-delusion/whatever to stop what would be a good thing. Thanks for all the love and support you have given me. I know this hasn't been easy.
Comments
Okay. We're heading back to Haifa tomorrow. We tried to decide that only Mark would go - it just didn't work. I can't help it, I just have to go. We will be home shortly.
Posted by: Mara | August 9, 2006 11:35 AM
Go with God. I love you both and can only have faith that you will be alright. I'm awfully glad we had the opportunity to talk yesterday. (any hope that you can get the yarn? If not, don't worry about it. There are yarn shops in the US.)
See you soon!
Posted by: Ma | August 9, 2006 12:23 PM
Not at all. They didn't even know what sock yarn WAS. Seriously. I even asked women who were buying large amounts of yarn and THEY didn't know. So, sorry, but no luck. (oh and machine washable? they didn't even understand the term!!)
Posted by: Mara | August 9, 2006 1:53 PM
Maman, I hear you and respect your wishes.
Mara, what dost thou mean by soon?
Posted by: Mendon | August 9, 2006 4:49 PM
Mensch, I don't know what I mean by soon! Next week? Next month? I guess what I am saying is that I am not ready for Hospice now. I know, I know, that is exactly what I am saying that my friends are saying. . .but they are. I don't know, does that mean I should call Hospice now? I don't think so because a requirement for Hospice is that you are probably going to die within a year. And I probably am not. At least at this point. Once/if I have a recurrance, then that will change. Then it will be time.
Mara, thanks for trying with the yarn. I must say I really don't understand why you couldn't find anything. I think almost all of the sock yarn I buy is made in either Italy or Germany. I've gotten it in the US, in Switzerland and Italy. I can't fathom why they don't seem to have it in Scotland. I can imagine that the vocabulary is different, since I couldn't understand what was being on the street.
Posted by: Ma | August 9, 2006 5:13 PM
Um, Mendon actually asked me what I meant by soon - although you said soon and I said shortly. :-) Mendon, I'll email you.
Maman, no, she was clear that she had very little machine washable yarn and almost all of it was 100% wool. Nothing even looked like the sock yarn I was envisioning.
Posted by: Mara | August 9, 2006 7:47 PM
Yup, he sure did direct that comment to you. Oops! Blame my self-centeredness. I somehow thought that a comment on my blog was about me. Either that, or I have separation issues and see us as one person. Plus there is the 'accuracy in semantics' issue.
Posted by: Ma | August 10, 2006 11:48 AM
Now that I have an extra week, if I get up to the Royal Mile (which is crazy with the Edinburgh Fringe Fest right now), I'll ask for guidance up at some of the wool shops there.
Posted by: Mara | August 10, 2006 1:44 PM
I'm so happy that your 'travels' are currently in favorable terrain! It is such a nice metaphor that I've been conjuring up all sorts of side thoughts on how any of us could find our paths interupted or diverted and thinking about the importance of Guidance and Direction.
On the yarn matter, you might try asking for DK(double knitting), Sport, or Fingering weight yarns for knitting socks. Usually yarn can be any one of those and be listed as "sock yarn" simply as a suggested use. Places that use yarn for weaving might list it differently--in the US it is usually done by weight or plys so the thickest yarn has 18 plys and is 18/18 and a thin yarn might be 2/18 or 2 plys of an 18 ply yarn and you would buy 1/2 lb of 2/18 or something like that. Hope that helps!
Posted by: Valerie | August 10, 2006 2:23 PM
Thanks, Valerie. Yeah - I've been thinking about this a lot too. Especially the idea that we humans love to have that we have control over our lives. I really just need to get over that!
Posted by: Mara | August 10, 2006 6:06 PM
Hey, Valerie, thanks for helping me clarify. I think I was just assuming that everyone (maybe even novice knitter Mara?) would know exactly what I meant by sock yarn. I really do want superwash though. That is from 75% to 80% wool, the rest nylon. Really, they should know what that is! One of the first sweater I knit (the little red cardigen that you all wore) was knit with British washable wool.
Posted by: ma | August 10, 2006 8:47 PM