For Crying Out Loud

I really didn't want to write about cancer, but it seems to be ever inserting itself into my life.

Merry has been having 'female problems' for the last few months, nothing earth shattering, but annoying. She asked me if I thought she should see the doctor about this. I said, rather firmly, I will admit, that yes, she needed to see the doctor. They did several tests ("procedures"), and today Merry received her diagnosis. She has endometrial cancer. (At this point, I feel like throwing some crockery!)

Fortunately, Gloria went with her to the doctor's office. Neither was prepared for this, and Merry's reaction is to stuff her emotions. She is very strong and prides herself in her independence. It makes it hard to read her reaction. I really don't know how she is feeling about the whole thing, but I know how I am feeling! Pissed off, that's how! Enough, already! Go away, cancer! I don't want you in my life anymore. I never wanted to let you in, in the first place. You have caused me more pain, for more years, than you have the right to. You have no right to be in my life! At all, ever. Now, be gone!

Okay, no more bad news. Back to promised photos of clematis and our killer dalihas (6 feet tall!). This weekend Daddy will be working all weekend so I will be home alone. So either I will lie on the sofa and eat bonbons, or I will weed the garden and sort junk. Or maybe I will post new photos. Or watch movies. Of course, I won't eat popcorn.

As a Matter of Fact, here is some good news! Daddy just called me from his test! He got . . .Well, I'll let him tell you how he did. Needless to say, he is pleased, but I know he would love to hear from you and tell you himself.

Posted by Maman at 5:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I can't decide if you all are sick of my mediocore photos or not, so I will keep posting them for a while yet. Everyone else (really, Mensch and Kristen) are still asleep and Daddy is out in the yard studying for his certification test (Next Wednesday!) so I have a few minutes. Here goes. I think I still have some more in the camera, but I have misplaced my card reader. It seem so much easier to use than plugging the camera into the computer. But I took it to work and didn't put it right away when I got home. My bad.

There was another couple there who had the same digital camera as I did. They asked me to take their photo for their annual newsletter. I did, and because I am who I am, I took three shots with varying amounts of background and close/not so close-up. They were so impressed (really!) with the results that they kept asking me to take their photo, and out of politeness, offered to take ours in return. As a result, we have a fair amount of photos of the two of us posed in front of scenic sights. This is one of them.

And this is another one. I think I may have already posted several of the others.
At first I thought it was kind of silly, but then I was glad to have them. So often, it seems that I go on trips and take semi-pathetic snap shots of the scenery, then get home and can't remember what the picture is of and what it is not doing justice to and wish I had photos of the people I was with.

Okay, this is shamelessly posed. I admit it. This was at the North Rim. In the lodge there, is this bronze statue of a burro. They were released into the canyon and became ferral, and a problem. But this one burro, Brighty, was re-tamed and used to bring water from the bottom of the canyon daily. And it seems that bronze statues like this (there is a bronze statue of a wild boar in Florence, too and another one somewhere else I was) carry with them good luck, or happy returns, or some such ledgend with them if you rub them on their nose. See how bright his nose is?

While I have you here, I will talk about my health. On days that I feel well, which is most days, well, then I am well. I felt rather dismissed and sort of given-up-on by Dr. Pelley when I saw him in May, just before going on the trip. But as I thought about it, I began to see it as a reprive from doctors, needles, long faces and bad news. Yes, I saw my radiation oncologist, but she gave me good news -- I look good! and I feel pretty good most of the time. I really have been able to feel better during this time. And I really do have most of my energy. You can double check with Mensch and Kristen who are visiting this weekend. I suppose I want to reassure everyone, including myself, I suppose. But I really do feel well and am really learning to take one day at a time. We have all heard the phrase or advice to live in the moment, but I have been able to internalize it. I really know what that means, and it doesn't mean ignore the future.

When I was first recovering from surgery, I read that the patients who do best are those who feel that there is a lesson they have learned from their disease, almost that it is a gift. At the time I thought, 'yeah, right! Like that will ever happen. What could be the gift? All I feel is tremendous loss.' Yet, I have found at least three. One is the love of my family; nuclear, natal, and extended. Another is this live-in-the-moment thing. It amazes me the number of things that just are not important to me anymore, that I used to spend so much energy on. Third and perhaps the most important is the trust and bond I feel for/with Daddy.

Now that I have found gifts, does that mean that I will do well? Maybe, but mostly it means that I am happier with life. And happy to be living it.

Posted by Maman at 9:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I got the results of my mammogram. They were negative . . . which is positive! Yea! Not that I ever for a momment thought it would be otherwise.

And when I went to the Nutritionist, she gave me a booklet, Wise Food Choises after Bowel Surgery. She asked if I had been given this book when released from the hospital. No, but it sure would have been helpful. Better late than never, I guess.

Posted by Maman at 1:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I am leaving for a conference in Columbus in another hour, so will post instead of dealing with junk on my desk. I went to the Radiation Oncologist yesterday. She said I passed the eyeball test. What does that mean?

It means I look good. Isn't that reassuring? I thought so.

Daddy and I also had a consult with the nutritionist. I learned that I eat a really healthy diet. I'm not losing weight, so I seem to be absorbing nutrients. All good. I'll keep eating. This is a good thing.

Just keeping you up-to-date on things.

Love, Ma

Posted by Maman at 10:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

This is a dangerous time for me. I've worked hard this week, longer hours than I care to admit. It is time for proofreading the PWI Guide. I have gone over it at least 4 times now with a fine tooth comb and an assistant. Still, I know there will be errors in it. And I know that the women who find errors in their entry will not be forgiving. Sigh.

Anyway, Daddy is at work and I am alone in the house. It is dark except for the light in the kitchen. I am hardboiling eggs for Daddy to make into deviled eggs tomorrow. We will go to U. Thom's and A. Barbara's. U. Gene and Gramma will be there too. I can't say I am over enthusiastic about the day. I was looking forward to a day of just puttering in the garden and reading my book. (Not a very good one, I'm afraid.)

Anyway, this brings me to the dangerous time. I know they (the rest of the family) will ask me how I am doing. How should I answer? As if it were merely as social question? "Fine." "I'm doing well, thank you." "I feel pretty good." Or do you think they want a blow by blow? "Well, my bowels are acting up again. You see, they go in a runs/plugged up cycle. No matter which part of the cycle I am in, it's pretty uncomfortable." No, I don't think that will do either. Then there is the slightly flip answer. "Well, how do I look?" The answer, of course, will be "You look great!" So, therefore, I must be doing great.

So, what is so dangerous about this time? Well, I'm feeling mighty honest here. I don't want to upset anyone, so I feel this huge responsibility to be well for others. I can feel myself slipping down, but I look great, so I must be doing great. And there is no bad news from the doctors either, but then there is no news from the doctors at all. I feel a bit like a hot potato. They did what they can do for me, so 'come back in a few months and we will check you out.'

I suspect that I shouldn't publish this right away, but let it lie fallow, reread it and judge, in the cold light of day, the wisdom of making this public. But I know if I do that, I will lose my nerve and never let you see this. So I will post and go to bed.

Please forgive me. I feel like I lie to each of you when you ask me how I am and I say, "Fine." I just don't really quite know how to answer. I love you, each.

Posted by Maman at 10:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

1. Straighten the house for LSA meeting tomorrow. Done.
2. Dig in the garden, get rid of the grass growing in the coral bells. Done
3. Make sure there is enough food for the week. Done.
4. Post more pictures. Here they are. (Bored yet?)

Only three this time.

As you can imagine, the squirrels are very friendly. They shouldn't be, because one is NOT supposed to feed them or any other animal, but you can see this little fellow was not at all bothered by my taking his picture. Yes, I really was that close.

We stopped at Lee's Ferry, where all the river rafting trips put in. There are precious few other areas of access to the Colorado until you are out of the Grand Canyon. The water was quite cold (I stuck my feet in it) and had some 'riffles', rapids that didn't even merit a class, but looked kinda rough to me. Judge for yourself.

This was the 'historic' cottage that we stayed in on the North Rim. Cute and rustic. The only problem with it was that we had half of it and you could hear every sneeze and wheeze through the rather thin connecting door.

Posted by Maman at 3:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

But this is way more fun, sharing photos of fun times with y'all.

This was from down in the canyon on the North Kiabab trail. (I think I spelled that correctly.) We didn't go all that far down, maybe a half a mile or so, but it was pretty steep. Notice all the trees? On the north rim, it was forested, but still very dry. And this dry was not a temporary condition. It was a desert forest, if such a thing exsits.

This is the famous Ponderosa Pine, of television fame. (Can't you just hear the song? And see Lorne Green ride in on horseback?) Just kidding. They did grow quite tall and I thought this was a dramatic angle.

We hear about the forest fires in Arizona every summer and I wanted to capture the evidence. I'm not sure this photo does it justice, but it was dramatic. And very interesting. Fire is not a simple subject there. It really is necessary to the environment, and can be safe. But there have been so many years of man's interference and knowing better than nature that fire has become quite unsafe, yet very much part of the answer to restoring the balance needed. Basically, Daddy and I both feel that it really is an environment when man simply doesn't belong except as a visitor. When we crossed the Navajo Reservation, the houses were very sparsely scattered across the countryside. I think that really is about how many people it can support.

Okay, this is the last one for today. We went to watch the sun set and this is my favorite of the many that I took. In French those sun rays are called Glories. (I don't know how to spell it in French.) I have another one, but it is much more subtle and, well, I just don't know how it will look when shrunk.

Posted by Maman at 3:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I promised photos and here are a few, many fewer than I actually took, but a start. My photos don't capture the shear enormity of the place, but this is an attempt. And there are many other better photos of the place, but none with Daddy and me in them

It really is Grand!

See, we really were there.

I don't know why I chose to have pop-ups. Sorry. Here, this is a mere portion of what it looks like.

My attempt to be arty.
More Later. Miss Marple is on.

(The more things change, the more they stay the same.)

Posted by Maman at 9:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

. . . in the forest, and there is no one to hear it, does it make a sound?"

I always thought this was a philisophical discussion, akin to how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, but I find that it is really a commentary on the feedback loop necessary for effective interpersonal communication.

To what am I referring? Well, I put up a post that was like felling a tree for me, but it seemed as though there was no one there to hear it. No one except Mara (and Valerie) commented, I didn't know if no one had read it or if no one cared enough to comment. Or if it was just too horrible to contemplate. Oh, no, that was just me. Anyway, the feedback loop wasn't closed, so it felt incomplete, sort of like dropping pennies into a black hole. (In The Golden Child, Eddie Murphy throws a pebble into an abyss and never hears it hit. Sort of like that.)

So, in the interest of effective interpersonal communication, I will make clear my expectations clear. When I post, oh, I don't know what I want, okay? I just want to hear from each of you on a regular basis. Stay in touch. Read my blog posts and comment from time to time. If something sounds big (how will you know?), call. I went back and re-read the post and I really did include everything in there, except maybe why they would be doing a third bone marrow biopsy. They would be looking to see if perhaps I have another type of, oh, oops, there is a self-imposed moratorium on that word.

Posted by Maman at 3:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)