No Title
This is a dangerous time for me. I've worked hard this week, longer hours than I care to admit. It is time for proofreading the PWI Guide. I have gone over it at least 4 times now with a fine tooth comb and an assistant. Still, I know there will be errors in it. And I know that the women who find errors in their entry will not be forgiving. Sigh.
Anyway, Daddy is at work and I am alone in the house. It is dark except for the light in the kitchen. I am hardboiling eggs for Daddy to make into deviled eggs tomorrow. We will go to U. Thom's and A. Barbara's. U. Gene and Gramma will be there too. I can't say I am over enthusiastic about the day. I was looking forward to a day of just puttering in the garden and reading my book. (Not a very good one, I'm afraid.)
Anyway, this brings me to the dangerous time. I know they (the rest of the family) will ask me how I am doing. How should I answer? As if it were merely as social question? "Fine." "I'm doing well, thank you." "I feel pretty good." Or do you think they want a blow by blow? "Well, my bowels are acting up again. You see, they go in a runs/plugged up cycle. No matter which part of the cycle I am in, it's pretty uncomfortable." No, I don't think that will do either. Then there is the slightly flip answer. "Well, how do I look?" The answer, of course, will be "You look great!" So, therefore, I must be doing great.
So, what is so dangerous about this time? Well, I'm feeling mighty honest here. I don't want to upset anyone, so I feel this huge responsibility to be well for others. I can feel myself slipping down, but I look great, so I must be doing great. And there is no bad news from the doctors either, but then there is no news from the doctors at all. I feel a bit like a hot potato. They did what they can do for me, so 'come back in a few months and we will check you out.'
I suspect that I shouldn't publish this right away, but let it lie fallow, reread it and judge, in the cold light of day, the wisdom of making this public. But I know if I do that, I will lose my nerve and never let you see this. So I will post and go to bed.
Please forgive me. I feel like I lie to each of you when you ask me how I am and I say, "Fine." I just don't really quite know how to answer. I love you, each.
Comments
Maman, as much as you say fine and know that you are not telling us the truth, we want to hear fine and wish it to be true so much that we fool ourselves. I am greatful that you are being honest with us, its helping me to deal with the issues that I have surrounding death and you. Dr. Cayton's daughter has a friend whos mother recently died from cancer. She was doing well, even, and suddenly relapsed. She went into a coma and passed only a few days later. This event has really brought me much closer to dealing with death on an emotional level. Your older children may be struggling with this issue more than I am (and, consequently dealing with it in a larger way) but I appreciate this post so much. I hear that you're concerned and that you feel as though you don't know what to say to people. Perhaps are response that remains nebulous but is also honest and respectful of the intent of the questioner might be something such as, "As well as I can be."
I love you, Sleep as well as you can,
Mensch
Posted by: Mendon | June 17, 2006 12:14 AM
Thank you for your honesty, and for dealing with this issue of fine. Thank you also for hearing out my issue today. I've been a little crazy with that lately, and I appreciate your patience and compassion. I need to keep this brief, but make sure you do what you've advised me to: take care of yourself, protect yourself, even. Don't work crazy hours and do what keeps you feeling healthiest and happiest. Let me know if there's anything that you're interested in for next weekend.
Love, Kristen
Posted by: Kristen | June 17, 2006 12:23 AM
I think the truth works- though perhaps the details of bowel moevements aren't necessary (though they won't bother good ol' Fartel McPooh over hear). I think you should NOT worry about worrying other people. Frankly- if they are upset 1. Maybe they should be. 2. Who cares.
On the other hand, if you don't care to go into details because you think it's just a conversational "how are you?" then ... say fine.
Posted by: Rae | June 17, 2006 12:21 PM
Maman, I, too, am dealing with this one. I don't have the energy to lie at this point. To most people I say, "well, I'm doing okay." ('cause I came to work today - that's a good day for me). Of course, it's different for different people. You're talking about family - I think it's safe to be honest with family. Okay, you might reserve your bowel movements for immediate family :-) - but I agree with Rae. Then there are others who just aren't worth the time of explaining why you are NOT okay. Those are the people I smile for and say 'fine'.
Posted by: Mara | June 20, 2006 3:34 AM
It turned out that it felt like a social question -- a formality, the ritual greeting you perform upon meeting family you haven't seen for a few weeks/months/years, depending on who you are. So, I said "fine", and everyone accepted that. Except maybe Gramma, but since I was feeling fine that day, I was sincere enough for her to believe it. Heck, even I believed it!
I hope you really are feeling better, Mara. It can be so disspiriting to constantly feel on the edge of lousy.
Posted by: Ma | June 20, 2006 2:13 PM