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December 30, 2005
December 29, 2005
Monster Socks
And because I had a ton of time at the Clinic, I totally wove the soles of the socks with yarn, so they won't wear out as quickly and will offer more insulation from the floor. It's a little hard to tell with the tweediness of the yarn, but they have cables running up and down them. Way fun! Though now my hands need a rest from working with such thick yarn. My next project is felted slipper/socks for Daddy, but that will also be a heavy yarn project, so might make something else first.
December 28, 2005
March
I have decided that since I am to have 12 Gemzar treatments and there are twelve months in a year, that I will name each treatment after the numericaly corresponding month, making today March. And the weather is like March . . . coldish (50), overcast and sort of drizzly. But what this means is 3 down, 9 to go. I refused the injected anti-nausea med and escaped the headache. It wasn't what we thought it was, but I refused it anyway. And still, I had no nausea. I was kind of worried, but I just got home about an hour ago and I feel pretty good. I didn't need to go crash like I did the first time. Only time will tell as it takes a while to settle in.
Well, I found out more about my white cell count. They gave us a number last week that was the "A and D" (or 'a.n.d'?) that was a percentage of my white cells. We had nothing to compare that to and so it was meaningless. Well, it turns out my white cell count was .5. This compared to 2.9 before surgery, and 4 - 11 range as normal. As the nurse said, it put me at significant risk. But the good news is that it is back up to 1.75, so I can venture back out into the world again. Oh, and I'm back up to 145 pounds, which is where I would like to stay. Daddy and I have been experimenting with beef to raise my iron levels, but neither of us like it anymore so we have agreed to twice a month.
On other fronts, I planted the amaryllis finally. And I finished both Gramma's scarf (mohair lace, started the evening of Dec 23 -- yet finished in time for Christmas!) and Cindy's monster socks. Look here for a photo of those. Okay, so don't. I don't want to take the time to figure out how to compress the photo in iphoto. I can to it in Photoshop, but need to learn how to do it all over again. later. I have the picture.
Anyway, the point is I feel pretty good and am one month closer to 'graduation.' Yea!!
December 25, 2005
Anybody lose one of these?
I found this the other day and don't know to what (or to whom) it goes. Identify it, claim it and I will put it in your 'pile', to be claimed at a later date.
Merry Christmas to all.
December 21, 2005
It's a bye week
Good news! I didn't have to have chemo today and I don't have to add one on the end. The Gemzar was so effective last week that my white blood count was too low for me to have a dose this week, but it still counts because the Gemzar is being effective.
I do have to be a little more careful about infection, but I'm dealing with it.
Okay, Okay, I'll tell the unvarnished truth! Yagotme! I'm disappointed! I think I wanted to be the model patient, do this 'perfectly.' Well, I'm doing my best. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude and stay as healthy as possible. But I have to allow the doctors and other medical staff to do their job, and respond as they see fit. I am reminded that I am not in control. I remembered that at the time of the surgery, but needed to be reminded. And I don't have to be perfect; the goal is to be alive. And, as Daddy pointed out, I'm still one week closer to 'graduation'.
Disappointed or not, I am feeling the best so far. I went to bed last night kind of dreading chemo today because it does make me feel a bit tired, and I had been feeling so energetic -- about the best I have felt since the surgery, and here, I still feel great!
I talked to Merry today and it does look like I will be doing some work at home after all. It really isn't really too practical, but she is willing to work with me so I can keep working and preserve my sick time for when I have radiation, or may need it at some other time.
On another note, I've finished Nathan's Socks". Mara and I bought this yarn when we visited 3 years ago. (I can't believe it has been that long!)
December 14, 2005
Okay, what was it like?
Well, it was a long day and just got longer and longer as we went.
We set the alarm clock for 7:30, but neither Daddy nor I could sleep that late. I was still bathing in the sink so we were all ready to go by 9:10. We got there (the Clinic) before the 10 o'clock appt. They took me fairly quickly and took blood. Then we went upstairs to see Dr. Pelley. ( I do like him. Daddy is sort of angry with him for giving me the med that leads to the rest of this entry.)
We cleared up some things ( no nuts!) and answered some questions, took the bandaging off the portacath. And I get to take showers again! Yea! Then we had a bit of lunch, which Daddy had brought. I finally went into my actual chemo appt.
They hooked up the portacath to the IV and pushed ( with a needle) some other med. It was it was supposed to be an anti-nausea med. I felt like Harry Potter. 'My scar, my scar!' I got an instant headache. The good news is I wasn't nauseated.
We were home by 2pm and I took 2 Tylenol and a 2 hour nap. Still had the headache. So I called the dr to let him know and he is not going to give that med to me again. Here we are, 6 1/2 hours later and I still have the headache. He suggested taking my after-surgery pain medication after the tylenol is out of my system, so I will try that and hope for the best.
Sorry to go on and on with the gory details, but I had the feeling you guys might want to know. Let's hope they find another way to control the nausea. They say they have a whole variety of different meds they can try. Let's go back to hoping for the best again.
December 11, 2005
The downside of being upbeat
The downside of being upbeat is that people believe me!
They ask how I am doing, and I say fine, meaning pretty well, considering that the surgery I am recovering from is more difficult to recover from than open heart surgery, and they hear, "Fine!" as in, fine, totally fine and back to my normal self.
Yesterday was a good day. What that meant was that I was able to go to Giant Eagle with Nathan for 3 items, then on to Marc's for about 20. By the time I was in line to pay, I had to go find a place to sit down while Nathan checked out. Then we went to CVS (Mensch, Greg says hello and congratulations) to order wedding photos and pick up a prescription. Then I had to go home and rest.
Now, I don't mean to be an alarmist, but my surgeon keeps telling me that "Pancreatic cancer is a Bad Cancer to have." My oncologist told me that my surgeon 'made a humungous effort' in the surgery. The radiologist told me I had an 'enourmous surgery.' It is beginning to sink in. I have carefully avoided websites devoted to pancreatic cancer -- precisely because the news/outlook is just not very good.
I guess the point I am finally getting is that just because I am recovering from the surgery pretty well, doesn't mean I am out of the woods yet. Not all the margins were clear. What that means is that they were unable to get 'clean (cancer-free) margins' around the tumor. This means, they really aren't quite sure they 'got it all.' They just couldn't go any deeper. They hit the back of my chest wall and had to stop. Now the chemo and radiation are designed to combat what was left.
But, frankly, the odds are still not great. I am not a gambler, being totally risk adverse. But if I were, this would still be a long shot. I wouldn't put my money on me. I am making plans as if I will live at least 5 years, maybe more, maybe forever, but I can't help but think about the 'other' possibility.
Barb T-Q offered some strangely comforting words the other day. She has worked at Hospice for over 20 years, so has seen a lot of patients in their final days, some with all the different kinds of cancers as well as other diseases. She did say that pancreatic cancer tends to not be terribly painful, so my quality of life would be pretty good up to the end. I did take comfort in that.
December 10, 2005
Confessions of a project slut
Okay, I admit it -- I am a project slut. How many projects do I have started that will never get finished? Well, that is part of the problem; I don't even know, nor do I really want to. Suffice it to say, too many!
I have knitting projects, sewing projects, quilting projects, art projects, scrapbook projects, photo projects, decorating projects, learning projects, garden projects . . . well, you get the idea.
And then I have people who love me and whom I love for whom I think of projects to do for them to show them how much I love them; or who ask me for things that I could make and would love to please them; or who give me materials for other projects for myself that once I used the materials would show how much I value them. Do I do these? No, I am seduced my new projects, new materials, new ideas.
I wonder if there is a support group for people like me because I know I am not really alone in this. . . right? Hello, anyone out there, Hallooooo?
By the way, want to see my latest? This is the hat and scarf I made with the yarn Barb T-Q brought for me to knit my new pancreas. Which I did . But then I heard the siren song of the mohair and got distracted. My pancreas lies discarded and flaccid, unfinished, unstuffed, unloved.
PS. Not only am I a project slut, I am a project pimp. Watch this.
Mara, here is the next project for you. You mentioned that you felt like after you finished your scarf, you felt ready to move on to the next project. (I mean the sweater, not the baby. Far be it from me to impose my wishes on you!)
And here is the dress/tunic that I offered you or Amina.
December 6, 2005
The Mensch
Yesterday, I read the horoscopes, as I always do. I promptly forget them, but they are fun to read. Here is Mendon's for yesterday.
Libra: You're so agreeable, you'll even argee to disagree. Your sophistication of self allows you to give your full attention to people whose opinions are dead wrong. The world needs more Libras.
I concur.
And if it isn't completely true yet, it is a laudable goal.
December 4, 2005
Going out on the Town
I know it is a bit early, but I wanted to show you all how well I was doing today. My hair is washed and dried! My toenails are trimmed and I put earrings in. I'm even wearing real pants, not pj bottoms! And I have my hand knit socks on. (Apparently it is cold in this music hall, but then I need them for home, too!)
Cindy's picking me up at 5 so I even have time for a nap, if I need one.
December 3, 2005
A good day.
Today was a good day, really a good day. Here it is, 9:30 at night, I am still awake, and I didn't even take a nap today. Now, it is true that I didn't shower this morning. For some reason, showering makes me quite tired, but still, I am amazed at how energetic I have been today.
I finished knitting my 'new pancreas' yesterday when Heidi was here. She showed me a new stitch and that inspired me to get out my 'pancreas' yarn.
It went quite quickly and I didn't even use the mohair blend. So today I started a scarf with that. I am following a lace pattern (my first!) in the hope that I will like it enough to use on the alpaca. I also have asked Aunt Cindy to find me a book (specific one) with a really pretty lace pattern that I am considering. Or I might try another that is more 'reversible'.
We'll see, but either way, I am planning for the future. Quite a long way from begging to go to Hospice! (Sorry, guys. That must have been more than tough.)
And tomorrow, Cindy and I are going to listen to Handel's Messiah at Lake Erie College. I hope I have as much energy tomorrow.
December 2, 2005
Oh God, keep my babies safe!
I'm sure there is a country song title of that name, but I am referring to Mark and Mara traveling in white out conditions.
Today they went back to Israel. It started snowing last night, not too badly here, but with bad report from the westside of Cleveland, where the airport is. I haven't heard otherwise, so I am assuming that all went well and they got off okay.
Mark, if you are reading this stuck in some airport, please call H.D. and let him know you have been delayed.
The rest of you, say some prayers.