The day before the wedding
Chaos. Controlled chaos, but chaos nonetheless. That is the order of the day. And I am powerless to change any of it.
So I accept it for what it is -- life!
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Chaos. Controlled chaos, but chaos nonetheless. That is the order of the day. And I am powerless to change any of it.
So I accept it for what it is -- life!
Well, I am on my way. I am sort of excited to be going. I am sorry to be making the rest of you ride this roller coaster with me, but sometimes life goes where we least expect it. Know that I am well, even when you see me I look more like hell. Even when I complain about hurting, remind me that I am well.
I have been so astounded by the outpouring of love and support and prayers and assistance and cooking that has been showered on me and my family. (I have to remember to be more supportive in times of need -- It really does make a difference!) Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I feel like the biggest fraud going -- and pretty soon, the world will find out that I have been duping them.
People have been showering me with gifts, books, candy, flowers, cards and prayers. In just 24 hours I (supposedly) am scheduled for a major surgery. The reason I say 'supposedly' is that I was told to call after 3 pm to find out the hour of my surgery. Well, there was nothing in the instructions about 'before 5 pm.' So, when I called at 5:15, it was too late and now I have to wait until after 3 pm today. As a result, I sort of feel like I am not really having this surgery. Which reinforces the whole fraud feeling.
And then there is the fact that I feel fine! Okay, to be honest, I just feel darn good. And Rachael came in Friday night, which made me feel even better. Then Mara came in last night. We are the only two up at the moment; she is making tea for us right now. How much better can it get? Well, Nathan is coming in on Wednesday -- or so.
Now, I did feel fine, but when I think of Nathan coming and staying for 2 months, I know I must be sick! This is big stuff. But, I'm fine, I really am. The surgeon is going to open me up and say, 'Well, I don't know what we saw on the CT scan, but it isn't there now.'
Anyway, it is embarrassing to be receiving all these consoluation gifts . . . when there is nothing to be consolded about. I know, it sounds as though I protest too much. But I really do feel healthy, whole and well. And I am.
In my selfishnes, I told Mendon and Nathan not to come this weekend to see me before my surgery.
I felt that I needed to save my energy to go into the surgery well rested (Fat Chance!) and that I had a lot of details to attend to, etc. I would be busy.
Then I talked to Mara, who told me that part of Nathan's concern was that it might be the last he got to see me. Well, Daddy sort of voiced the same concern. So, I brought it up with my Doctor's nurse. She basically dismissed (but gently, with kindness) my fears. She reassured me that the doctor thinks I am young (I totally love that part) and healthy (otherwise) and have a good chance of fighting this off.
I mentioned that I had suggested that the boys come up the following weekend and her response was, yes, that I could even be home by then! I was a bit surprised by that, but pleased. I thought you all might like to hear that too. I know you are all worried about me. Daddy and I are worried, too! But, I really feel pretty good. Yes, I have lost a little bit more weight, but only in the last two weeks, so I haven't totally melted away. And I am in pretty good spirits, which is of the utmost importantance.
I have decided that I am not really going to be having surgery next week, but that I am going on a cruise in the Greek Isles. The weather is lovely this time of year. Warm, but not too hot. And I am thin enough to wear a bathing suit with confidence. Plus I have a really lovely evening dress for the formal dinners. (Royal blue -- Rae and Kristen have seen it.) So wish me Bon Voyage!