For Crying Out Loud

Whenever anyone asked me how I was, I replied, "Fine!" or "Great!" or "Teriffic!" or "Fantastic!" Always with an exclaimation point and a big smile. And it wasn't a total lie! I mean, I felt pretty good. I still do. And I hope to continue to feel pretty good. But, I am not fine.

I have had a growing suspicion that there was something growing in my pelvic region since the beginning of March. It seemed very centrally located, and, frankly, I had no idea what it could be. At first it was pretty small, and I wasn't sure it was even anything at all. Then it seemed as though my bladder was full. By the end of March I was pretty sure something was not quite normal.

Mid-April I mentioned it to my oncologist. He poked my tummy and said, "See you in July." He didn't order a scan for either April or July. I was feeling very optomistic. He had said that if I didn't show any further sign of disease in four years, he would consider me cured. (I didn't ask him what the odds were on that.) Since I was feeling so optomistic, I made an appointment with my gyn.

You may ask how those two things are connected. I'll tell you. Back in October after my lump on my ribcage, I asked my onc if I should bother with a pap. He said, no, probably figuring I would be dead of pancreatic cancer well before either breast or cervical cancer, if discovered, would get me. Well, I figured that if I was, indeed, going to live, I should be checked. Plus I have been with my gyn for 28 years. She has seen me through 4 pregnancies. We have a good relationship. And she is the one who started me on the journey which led to my diagnosis. If it weren't for her, I might not be here today. I wanted to thank her for that.

In between my onc appointment and my gyn appointment, I went to see my primary care doc. I needed to have some prescriptions filled and since they had come from Hospice, she wanted to see me first. No problem. I don't think I actually mentioned my belly issue because it really wasn't bothering me and my onc had dismissed it. She did find that I had a bladder infection (without the usual painful symptoms), so I thought that maybe that was what was causing the feeling of fullness.

I had my gyn appointment May 24th. No rush when I made the appointment, it was just for a check-up. As the time got closer, I found myself looking forward to it. Now, I like my gyn, but I don't usually look forward to seeing her. But this thing was growing and starting to cause some discomfort. Pressure, you know, like the pressure you feel with childbirth? It comes and goes, but you get the picture.

My gyn was glad to see me and we caught up. I hadn't seen her since I had been diagnosed so I told her about that. She was a surprised that my disease was so advanced and that I was doing so well. Then she did her exam. She confirmed that there was a "something" there. She said it was not uterus and seemed to be about the size of a large grapefruit. She had me schedule a CT scan and an ultrasound. Those were done on Thursday.

The upshot is I have a "loculated mass" 14cm by 16cm. It seems to be coming from my right ovary and it completely encompasses my left one as well. We really don't know what this is. It could be several things. It could be the pancreatic cancer embedded and growing in the ovary, or, I suppose, just one of those cyst-things that some women get.

The next thing is to meet with the gynocological oncologist. That is happening next Tuesday. The fact that it is a gynocolgical oncologist should give me a hint, though. I had a CA125 test for ovarian cancer and, though it came back elevated (58), it really isn't in the ovarian cancer range. I will probably have to have surgery to remove this thing, but I don't know anything yet.

In the meantime, I usually feel pretty good. Every now and then, it gets pretty uncomfortable. I feel pretty optomistic, though. Even if it is the pancreatic cancer returned in my ovary (it has been know to happen before, and we have already seen that my cancer doesn't follow the 'road most taken'), that is not something that will kill me, unless we let it get to the point of blocking my bowels. On the other hand, it would confirm that the pancreatic cancer is still floating around my blood system and will, one day, lodge somewhere that might be deadly.

In the meantime, what am I doing for fun? Tomorrow the whole family will be walking in a fundraiser for the Gathering Place.

And I dyed my hair purple.