Dear Mama,
Liam is busy being super cute lately. I am mostly enjoying what I see in him as he gets older - as opposed to being frustrated by the challenges. The other day, as we were waiting for Mark to get out of work, he argued with me that Mark was his husband, not mine. This morning, he found one of my silk scarves, put it on and proclaimed himself now a girl.
We are making progress on him sleeping in his own bed, too. Slowly, for sure, but I can't take him crying for an hour now any better than I could two years ago. There is an element of sadness to it for me, as I am essentially extracting myself from physically being present for him as he falls asleep. I don't rock him to sleep, I don't pat his back as he falls asleep - I simply sit next to his bed and sing to him. If he talks/sings/whines then I move to the chair in the opposite corner of the room. That currently is enough to generally keep him quiet, though he has started asking me to "be gentle on my back" - and when he asks for that, well, thus far I haven't been able to refuse. Regardless, he has started falling asleep much faster and that is reassuring. He still wakes up in the middle of the night, though less frequently, and occasionally he actually stays in his own bed all night. So we're getting there.
I'm not focusing on potty training at all anymore, as I've chosen bed issues as our focus for now. But yesterday he spontaneously asked to go to the bathroom - and did! We encourage that, of course, but there is no pushing on our part for now. There's time.
In buying this house, Mark and I knew we wanted to add a half bath. It's turning out to be a rather involved project. Yikes! I am trying to be calm about how much we are going to have to do to the house in order to add a freaking toilet, but I know it's the right thing to do, so I am trying really, really hard not to completely breakdown over the fact that we have to spend money on something other than groceries. Unfortunately, it is complicated enough that we really can't do it ourselves with any amount of confidence.
I've got the morning to myself today. Mark and Liam are over at the Baha'i Center for a meeting. I have a bridal shower to go to soon, so I stayed home. It's been very nice (and productive, of course! ha!). But it would've been even nicer to have had you here to share it with me. Thank you, Mama, for everything you gave me.
Love,
Mara
I go to Mommy's grave pretty often as everyone knows. It is hard to do
and I often wish someone else was with me. But I am alone and I do it for many reasons. Mostly because of the love we had for each other and I am deeply wounded by this loss.
I watch my children making life decisions and it is hard because I know they truly miss her guiding force that was so wonderful and helpful. I also know they are capable of doing these things without her. I hope they will continue to call upon the sweet memories of their Mama and all she did for them growing up. She loved them so completely for who they were and are. They are a reflection of her in so many ways.
These days I try to visit all my children wherever they are in the world. I am doing okay so far. I now need to figure out when to see Mendon and Kristen in their new Tucson home. Perhaps in the winter after the new year.
I often remember the way Mommy looked right after the birth of each of her children. She was so calm and heart happy, Her skin was flush with her completeness as a woman and mother. Fulfilled and so in love with her child at that time. Each was wonderful, each made her more complete. Each was hers to love. And she did.....for always.