Yup, you guessed it. It has begun.
What is 'it'?
It is the beginning of my mother's dying season. We joked about it when she was alive, and my dad has talked about all the 'firsts' without my mother, and my sister has talked about remembering all the 'lasts' with my mother.
But here I am, as I think of the next couple of months - formerly some of my faves - all I can think of is "dying season".
And I have to get a mole on my foot removed because 'it could be cancerous', and I have to have a cyst looked at on my ovary ... 'cause it could be cancerous' ... and, for some reason, when I was referred to a psychologist, it wasn't for "GRIEF", it was for "anxiety". Huh. Wonder why. Somehow, I thought the cancer was going to die with my mother.
However, I am trying to be happy and think about stuff my mother loved to do - we're having a finger painting party tomorrow to celebrate her birthday. And now it makes me think how my mother managed to inform me of her cancer - literally - as I was welcoming guests into our home to celebrate Mark's birthday [here's where, if she were still alive, she would say, "guilt, guilt, guilt".]
Maman, happy 57th birthday. I'm pretty sure you're enjoying it more than I am.
Gosh, only 57? I didn't realize she was so young. Well, she did a good job getting you all so nicely grown up already.
I've just this week read some very interesting books on mind/body and illness, particularly cancer. I really liked them. "Womens Bodies, Women's Wisdom" by Christiane Northrup and "Love, Medicine and Miracles" by Bernie Siegel. Interesting for anybody, not just patients.
Thanks, Sashwee. I'm trying to allow myself to focus on my health right now in the hopes that I can create a healthier me so that I am not eternally going to doctors 3 times a week (I wish I were exagerrating!).
Three times a week does not sound livable at all. Very wise to give it some focused attention now. I'll pray for your health.
xox
Thank you Mara for giving me a term to describe the weeks,and time, over which Mommy died! No, really, thank you. A "season of dying". Perhaps it has been more than a few years as she had been having specialists check her irregular blood conditions for six years(without my knowledge).
It may replace the title of my book about her cancer. (which used to be 'cancer sucks'). She has said I carried her anger for her over this dread disease. I have never had an outlet for that anger.
And hunting has lost its appeal this year. So what does one do with this heavy burden? Rachael is going through a similar time of remembrance of Mommy. I know Nathan wishes he was with us this particular week also. Please remember to let him know you love him too. I can only imagine being so far away gives him a desperation for family at times like these.
Panic and anxiety can turn into obsessive behaviour in kids if left untreated
omg its marijuana not heroin...ppl who use marijuana dont have any trouble with life..i mean sum do just like there are ppl who have problems with fast food..but its harmless if ur responsible..its a stupid question when alcohol and cigs are legal and they kill more ppl then MJ..
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