In the past few days, my mood has become even more erratic than previously. I suddenly did a 180 from looking forward to my Lamaze classes and the knowledge that would come with it to outright positively dreading it. Other pregnant women? Pass. (ok, ok, it wasn't that bad)
I spent an entire night in a frenzied free fall of thoughts wondering what's happening, why we chose to make it happen and mourning what was my previous life (i.e. the job I absolutely adored). Oh, and the classic Mara thought, "how can I get out of this?"
Hmm, writing this out now I realize that perhaps my mood is no longer erratic - it's just downright freaked out. The lack of control over my life is becoming increasingly evident, I suppose. And it ain't gonna' change any time soon. Well-intentioned people ask me whether I'm getting excited and it always turns into an awkward silence as they expect my happy response and I think, "do you have any clue what's about to happen?!?!"
On a lighter note, I'm making progress with the sweater. Just the neckline and sleeves to go now!
very cute (the sweater)! Funny that I was just going through past blogs and recently re-read the blog (early 2005) where you were proclaiming your need to plan. You were entering your last year at the BWC, and seemed to be at a loss for things to do, as you couldn't make any long-term plans, as you and Mark were looking at the end of your time in Israel. Funny, now, that you appear to be experiencing a similar feeling? Of course, for different reasons! Now, is it that you've never been through this, and don't know what to expect, and therfore how to plan? I envy your need to plan. I really do. You know me. I'm reactive, and usually end up responding to what hands me, and adjusting accordingly. You have dealt with, accomplished, planned things in your life thus far that far exceed where I thought you (and we!) would be. Israel, your pregnancy, your mother, and I know that I'm only scratching the surface. I'm thinking that maybe you're going through an "I need to plan" period, and don't have a clear idea of what exactly to plan (for ;))? 20 years, my friend. Have I come close? Love and prayers to all of you!
*life what LIFE hands me. (oops!) :)
Dear Mara,
You don't know how glad I am that you came upon my blog and left the comment you did! Really, you opened up a new perspective for me.
Intellectually I know what you say is correct, but deep down I feel really intimidated and don't know how to make progress on this. It will probably require stepping into areas that are uncomfortable for me at first, but I am so starved for meaningful interactions that I guess I have more to lose if I don't.
Whew. Anyway, thanks again for your advice -- you don't know how helpful it really was!
Love from Israel.
I think that you can quite honestly reply that you are excited. It reminds me of a teacher I had in highschool, Mrs. Roberts, who said of students and people who she thought were very strange and not exactly praisworthy, "Yes, so and so is extraordinary." In which case, she didn't mean any of the positive connotation that others impose on the word. You can use excited in the same way. As opposed to 'yearningly expectant,' you can use it to mean 'I'm freaking out here, people!'
Mensch, take an "M" -- of course THAT Mrs Roberts was at Reynolds ... not at MHS. :)
I've been interviewing for a new job and the stress of deciding if it's the right move has been getting to me. The other day I was talking to someone and I commented..."Yeah, but change is supposed to be scary, otherwise EVERYBODY would be doing it." ...somehow it made me feel a little better that I am actually DOING something, making a change even though it might be scary. Scary can be good.
On a lighter note I love your little raglan sweater, I'm going to have to change your tag on my blog, as you're moving beyone "novice" stage. How does "Mara--former roomate and knitter extrodinaire" sound?
Oh dear, Valerie! I don't think a baby sweater quite gets me up to knitter extraordinaire! Hmm, let's see.... "intermediate knitter". Or, if you go by knitty.com standards: I'm a "tangy" knitter, as that's the level of knitting patterns I'm doing! Hahaha!
No, Mensch is right. He did have a Mrs. Roberts in High school and she had never heard of any of the other three of you. It was sort of weird. I liked her a lot.
I also had Mrs. Roberts at Reynolds, Crys, I got fat on those m&ms:) Strangely, the Mrs. Roberts at MHS had never heard of the legendary Mrs. Roberts of Reynolds' fame!
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