When my mother told me that her cancer was back I was at work. I took it rather matter-of-factly, and moved on. Now is preparation time. Looking back, I know this routine. It's the third time in as many years that Mark and I have been through this drill. Parent ill, get plane tickets, arrange flat, pack bags, get on flight ... then fall apart. Last year, when my mother made a similar phone call, people were literally walking in our door for Mark's birthday party. I broke down, then pulled myself together and held the (small) party. In a way, it helped me put the emotions on pause.
This time though, I have some of my own health concerns to deal with first before I can fly. I really, really don't want to have to use one of those vomit bags during take-off, for instance. Unfortunately, this means I may have a whole month of "emotions on pause" before I can leave. And the cracks are already beginning to show.
Last night I couldn't sleep, kept up by unseemly thoughts about my family. I dreamt, in one night, that Mendon had fingers blown off in an explosion, Kristen ran through a glass door, and Rachael and I were trapped in a tiny room w/ an open outside window from which scary things were about to descend. Other family members were involved, but I no longer remember what their roles were....
How do I let myself feel - without falling apart? I have to get our flat ready in a "I'm never coming back" way, same with my job.
Maman, I am glad you told me in my 13th week and not my 6th. Even if I hadn't lost the baby, those weeks of severe nausea and vomitting would have been unimaginably more hellish.
I wish I could help. We bought new fish for our tank yesterday. We were down to one. I am so excited about them, and thye are so beautiful. They don't change reality, but they do make existence a bit more pleasant/tolerable.
It's strange. Now that the way is clear, I am able to sleep in a way that has been denied to me for the last year. I know it is about acceptance (rather than detachment) and that I had no control over it. It just happened. I will see you when I see you. It will all be alright. Really.
Yeah, I don't think it's about you at this point. I'm frozen. I need to be in action, which I can be once I get back to the US. I think once I'm there I'll sleep better, too. Of course, I'm pregnant, I don't expect my sleep to get all that great.
It will get better. I promise.
Mara, you may want to stop thinking about my blog. The last time that maman announced this I spent eleven months in denial. I had to get married. I'm sorry that my visible distance bothered you. However, I'm not doing that anymore. As you've already seen, I am going to take this final opportunity (wake up call) to strengthen my relationship with maman and deal with these issues. It will be all over my blog and interactions with me. Perhaps my relative proximity to maman will provide you, vicariously, with catharsis. Perhaps not. I just wanted to give you a heads up that I'm dealing with it this time and recognize its signficance.
I think that last message was actually from Mensch, not Mara. A little confusing.
Uh, Mensch . . . it gets a little disconcerting when you call yourself 'Mara'. :-) I was like, "is this my blog speaking to me or something?"
oh, and I check everyone's blog. a lot. mainly because I'm at home a lot, trying to get over some pretty heinous 1st trimester stuff, so sorry, but uh, I have way too much time on my hands not to check your blog :-)
sorry mara, you could go back and change that;)
I understand that all of you are probably best described as "numb" by the recent developments for Mommy. At the moment, I would say it is best not to do any panicky stuff. Talking about it with both Mommy and me is recommended when it seems overwhelming as we can both give reassurances and honest accountings rather than dreamt up things or horrible thoughts.It is scary enough without fabricating any thing else. So please keep in touch one way or other and try to remember that we are going throught this together as a family,and that we need to talk to you too. As a side note, we are interested in getting a pair of cell phones so we can be in better communication with each other. We aren't sure which plans or phones are best for two people with the same phone number kind of thing. So if you have some ideas or know how please share it. And thanks for being just who you are.....
This is your blog. I have indeed become self-aware. You have been warned.
Sprint and verizon both have plans in which you can talk to eachother, and other sprint members for free. In which case you could get a cheapo plan - making sure you pay the five bucks a month to talk for free to sprint folks (or verizon) I lean towards sprint because that is what we have. I don't know a lot about cingular because it seems to have changed a lot since my first impression of it totally sucking.
Thank you, Papa. I needed to hear you say that. Rae you have Sprint? Then Maman & Papa, if you get Sprint, then I'll get Sprint and we can all talk to each other for free? Sounds like a plan to me. (IF it works by the lake!)
I would probably recommend something other than Verizon for use in Mentor. John and I use Verizon, and the service isn't very good when we're that close to the lake. Hope that helps :)