The other night, we were over at the Ishikawas. Mark was enjoying various board games and I hung out and watched a movie [The Castle - absolutely hysterical]. We brought spinach lasagna with us as a contribution to dinner. Apparently, Amelia had been seriously craving lasagna, so she was pretty enthusiastic about the lasagna, as were others. It made me feel pretty good. And then I said the magic words, "it's my mother's recipe".
It's the little things. Months back, my mother told us to get any 'end of life' issues out of the way now, while everyone is still feeling well and healthy. At the time, I thought, "I don't have any unresolved issues and secrets." I couldn't think of anything. What I am realizing is that there are things that I want my mother to know. I want her to know what I will remember about her, what she has meant to me and done for me. One of my friends, whose mother has passed away, was talking about how he can't always remember her before the cancer. I feel like by telling my mother what I will remember, and asking her what she wants me to remember, maybe I can hold on to these memories differently.
Problem is, now that I've thought of this, so much triggers something that I feel I should tell her. Like the lasagna. It's her recipe, and every single time I make it, no matter where she got the recipe herself, I will think of her - as I do now. It's the same with knitting, which then extends into every form of artwork I dabble in, as she is my creative source. She taught me not just how to knit, but the value of art and participating in art.
My problem isn't where to start. It's that it has no end. Maman, I can tell you what I will remember, but I will continuously have amendments. And so I keep putting it off, until I 'have the time to sit down and really reflect', which of course is the danger.
I guess this is my start, and now you know I'm thinking about it.
Ack! this is freaking me out! I know I started this conversation, but it is a little spooky to read about oneself 'in the past tense', so to speak. I'm still here and making memories. And lasagna, too.
Well, you can think about it, but make room for more memories, because I hope to keep them coming.
Actually, that's a bit refreshing to hear - after months of "tie up your loose ends with me". :-) I look forward to making a few more memories, too.
Well, the whole 'tie up your loose ends with me' was actually in response to watching Grampa and Uncle Gene. It really is more about taking care of business as it comes rather than letting things fester. As in: You have a problem with me now? Tell me now and let's clear the air.
I don't think that Mara has any problems. Mostly internal conflicts that center around the fact that we are mortal. We are beginning to understand the necessity of living more fully when we are with you.
And not just with me! We all are mortal.
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If you're still on the fence: grab your favorite earphones, head down to a Best Buy and ask to plug them into a Zune then an iPod and see which one sounds better to you, and which interface makes you smile more. Then you'll know which is right for you.
The Zune concentrates on being a Portable Media Player. Not a web browser. Not a game machine. Maybe in the future it'll do even better in those areas, but for now it's a fantastic way to organize and listen to your music and videos, and is without peer in that regard. The iPod's strengths are its web browsing and apps. If those sound more compelling, perhaps it is your best choice.
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