Everything, Nothing, and I'm a Middle Child

I swear I'd be a great study for a psychologist: what are the emotional repercussions to a woman when she is unable to have children? As that is the truth, as I have promised, in as much as is possible, to not have children for the next 2 years.

Interestingly enough, I wasn't particularly eager to have children prior to having made this commitment. It has turned my 'biological clock' into a time bomb.

Now, I think I'm beginning to think about children like those couples who experience infertility (and Mark is, too). Now, before I get lambasted for thinking I could relate to such an experience, my caveat: I recognize that this is different because we know there is an end. Of course, wouldn't that be ironic if 2 years from now we do have trouble conceiving. I won't go there...

Anyway, ... I find myself avoiding babies and children. I'm irritated with, what seems like especially single women, who send out "cute baby pictures". When friends tell me their pregnant - I force a grin, give them a polite hug and say "how wonderful for you."

I'm okay if no one else is around [in fact, when only 'normal' people are around, I love spending time with children]. I guess my fears revolve around people saying such inconsiderate things as "doesn't that make you want one?"

[do you WANT me to hurt you!?!?!]

Because, you know what? It doesn't. I don't need any convincing. Mark and I ache to have children, and will one day, but this is the sacrifice we've made to serve our Faith. And it was a sacrifice, which means that there are feelings involved.

Oh, I'm just going to walk away from this for now.

Posted by Mara at 03:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

First off, we have a new camera (though I've only taken 4 pictures on it, compared to Mark's 400), but anyway, for all who'd like to check out pictures of our visit to Scotland, as well as Haifa, he has a gallery here.

I've been reading quite a bit lately. Nothing profound, of course. It's been wonderful not to have to read something that was assigned to me! Plus, good, English-language novels aren't exactly falling off trees here, so when I got my hands on some, I devoured them. Yummy. :-)

And yes, this is a cry for good books, namely fiction.

First I read Amy Tan's "The Hundred Secret Senses". Divine, wonderful, and very, very, very well-written. Now I've just finished reading the Bridget Jones' Diary books. I must admit, I feel a bit dirtier after having read them. Not that they're smutty or anything, just so ... shallow. A bit scary to think that so many people relate to her, really. Of course, I can relate in some ways - but then, wow, I'm not sure I want to relate to her, either. Perhaps that's the point? Whatever.

Different subject altogether.

Sometimes the one thing that freaks me out the most about living in Israel is that until I moved here it was a strange, foreign, even exotic locale, but now, well, it's so ... the same. People have "Baby on Board" stickers on their cars (granted it's in Hebrew, but I think it's a safe assumption considering the Gerber baby on it), they have cell phones, wear unreasonably high-heeled uncomfortable shoes when they live on the side of a mountain (!?), they renovate their homes, stare on the bus, go grocery shopping on Saturday, swim at the beach (even though they know it's polluted). That sort of thing. Then I think "I'm living in the Middle East", and that is somehow surprising to me - even after 10 months.

[Insert smooth transition]

We got a dishwasher recently. It's such a luxury I almost feel obscene having it. Fortunately, we got it for a steal, so even if we give it away at when we leave (which I imagine will not happen), it'd still be fine. We do use it, especially with guests, and it means Mark and I are not constantly saying "I think it's your turn to wash the dishes." We also use a lot less plasticware with guests, which is good -- I could see the environment going to pot before my very eyes with all the plastic plates and cups we used sometimes! Of course, it's a portable one, so we move it out of it's corner, hook it up to the sink ... then we have to be there and awake an hour or two later when it gets to the rinse cycle to turn the hot water on, then to turn the hot water off. Bit of a pain. [see, I wanted to get a washer & dryer set ... carrying laundry up and down a mountain once a week is much more of a pain] Ah well. C'est la vie. It's not like I will not use the dishwasher out of spite or anything!

On another note, lots of good things are going on in my family:

Mendon has returned from a year in the Gambia. He'll be starting university in 2 weeks.

My father is also going to be going back to school soon - to study respiratory therapy! I'm so excited and happy for him! It seems like this is a really good path for him. He's had great responses from hospitals just waiting for him to be employable. Cool! He's also been talking to me about him and my mom consulting about future plans. That always makes me happy!

My grandparents have sold their home, which is a HUGE burden off their shoulders (if all goes through), and my gramma is busy convalescing, which, again, is good news.

Okay, there might be more good news, but that's as much as I know. :-) And it makes me happy. :-)

Posted by Mara at 02:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I realize my descriptions have been fairly thin of recent events, so:

Scotland

Scotland was a wonderful little getaway from Israel - especially as the weather is getting hot and dirty. Yes, dirty, but that's beside the point.

We got in Thursday evening (Friday morning?), and thankfully Nathan met us at the airport. After travelling for quite some time I really didn't feel like trying to figure out where to get money and how to get a taxi to his place. Thanks again, Nae. During our whole stay not once did we leave the house before noon. However, we did do plenty.

On Friday, since Nathan was working and had no desire to visit the castle, Mark and I wound our way up to the castle, looked around, Mark took some pictures and then when it got so cold that even being inside didn't really warm us back up, we headed back down. Friday was the only day it was really cold and bleary. There was a mist up in the castle - we could literally see it moving in front of us - cool, but cold! There was a couple getting married while we were there and I felt so bad for the poor woman - freezing! So, anyway, we headed back down the hill, had some great tea, coffee and sweets and headed back to Nathan's place.

That evening he took us out to Rogue - and the food, of course, was scrumptious. Ahhh ... there just aren't restaurants that good (that I have access to) in Israel. Yum. And the place was cool - a seamless wall led to the bathrooms. It took me a minute to figure out where the door to the toilet was! I felt like I was in a James Bond film or something.

Saturday we went out to the Botanical Gardens, which was endlessly amazing. Nathan and Mark both ran out of space on their cameras for pictures, went home, refilled, got lunch and came back ... I strolled around and took a nap on the hill while waiting for them :-) That evening Nathan made us scallops for dinner - yum! We had numerous adventures with an over-eager smoke alarm.

Sunday we hiked up to Arthur's Seat. This meant about a 3 mile hike through the old city, past Holyrood Palace and then up a hill to where the supposed stone from which the sword was drawn resides. The hike itself is much more interesting than the stone :-) The wind was blowing so much up there that Nathan got a picture of me with my hair, literally, standing on end! We hiked back down, stopped at a pub and got some yummy eats and then headed home again. And then, of course, that evening we went out again and had the amazing Italian food from Bellini's. That place is definitely worth writing home about! I had one of the best apple pie's I've ever eaten there. So many people make it so sweet I can't handle it - but this was near perfection. Of course, we also had veal, crepes, foie gras filled ravioli --- I can't even begin to describe it (ask Nathan, he'll do much better!).

Monday, we strolled out for a bit of shopping and then a picnic lunch at the Meadows (another park). It was only about 60 degrees or so, but you'd have thought it'd just hit 80 by the looks of the Scots - tank tops, shorts, etc. We were a bit chilly in sweaters and a jacket! Then it was back to Nathan's place to head on home to Israel!

Posted by Mara at 10:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

We're back from Scotland - which was a total blast. It was so nice to relax, not work, and just have fun for a few days.

It was also so great, wonderful and beautiful to be in a city surrounded by green hills. It was very refreshing.

Now I'm back in Israel and busier than ever. Partly because I missed two very busy days at work. One of the other French translator's was out translating for pilgrims, so that left one poor, inundated French translator left to do it all! As soon as she saw me she got up, gave me a big hug, and said "Am I glad to see you!" Always nice to feel appreciated :-)

We have already attended a farewell dinner and hosted a youth dinner (we're currently on our third day back!). Tomorrow we're going to a wedding reception, another farewell dinner, Saturday we have a visit to the Ridvan garden [the first place Baha'u'llah stayed once he left the prison-city of Akka] ... and somewhere in there we have to do our taxes! [not to worry, we got an extension].

And then, and then ... and then I think we won't plan anything for a while simply because we don't need to wear ourselves out like we have been. Though it's so hard to resist with so many wonderful people around for a limited time - you want to get to know them all!

Posted by Mara at 11:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)