Evolution

Oh, so something serious. About me. As you may have known, I've sort of been waffling about my future. Mark is so keen - so sure of what he wants to do next (okay, sort of - a case of comparing my inner feelings to someone's outer seemings), that I was wondering if I was gung-ho about it simply because I had lost my identity. Crisis ensued. Wondering what the purpose of life was. What about that PhD in gender studies? And finally, through a series of things, but I think especially triggered by a discussion about the feminine & femininity, I realized a few things:

1. I have no idea why I'd get a PhD - in gender studies or anything else. A PhD is all well and good, but the idea "I MUST GET A PhD" will not keep me going for 5 years of something that I perceive to be very, very difficult. I have no idea what I would do with a PhD. Moreover, what will I do with a PhD that I can't do with my master's degree (and if I can do it, do I want to?). So, for now - bye, bye idea of PhD. If it comes later I will welcome it in. It's just not the time.

2. And very related to #1. My mother is a very wise woman. She has guided me well in my life path when I have consulted her. Which is almost always. When I was 3 or so, she apparently told one of her friends that I would:
a) not date much, but when I met the man I wanted to marry, I would
know right away, and
b) go to school, get my degree, and 10 years later, go back and study
what I really wanted to do in life.

So far, she's been right (with a). I know this is silly, but the fact that she said this really gave me a lot of confidence about my decision to marry Mark (3 months after I met him...). So, since I only finished school 2 years ago ... I have some time. And whether my mother said this or not, it feels really, really good. So for now this is the right decision for me. Can you hear me revelling in my good comfy decision. Mmmm - me, revelling - mmmm.

3. Mark's excited about opening a restaurant. Which is fine. He is so happy and excited about it, it's infectious. I know we can do this together simply because it puts us in a good mood - he's happy, I'm happy - it's good. I've seen Mark be unhappy at work - not good. Unhappiness at work can affect happiness not at work, so happiness at work is good. And since I don't have a particular vision of what I want to do, let's focus on a restaurant! Yes, women can be supportive of their husbands dreams and be feminists, all at the same time.

4. We want kids. This needs to start happening soon as I am on a countdown to 30 ... kids won't happen until after 30, but all the same, it's just a natural fact, kids need to start happening soon. There is a deadline, folks. Seeing as how I don't know what else to focus on, and I can't help but focus on kids, it's baby time. (doo doo doo doo - Baby Time!) I'm so comfortable with this idea that I feel like I'm in some sort of 'baby zone'.

My sister was born right on the cusp of when kids start a school year. My parents didn't know whether to send her to school or wait another year, so they did all these tests, etc. that were supposed to determine whether she was ready. Of course, in the end they said "it's up to you". My parents decided to hold her back. [Rae has since said she's happy with the decision] It meant she was amongst the oldest in the class, instead of the youngest. According to either my mother or Rae, can't remember, the opinion is that it meant Rae had an easy time in school instead of struggling. Anyway, she had all these tests that were supposed to determine whether she was ready. My mother said that something like a month or two after they made the decision, my sister started doing all the stuff she was supposed to that exhibited readiness for kindergarten. My sister even said, "is this what you wanted me to do?"

Well, 20 years later, I can really relate to my sister. In coming here to serve, we decided not to have children for a while. I might as well have pushed "start" on a time bomb. We have names, when babies cry, I offer to hold them - totally doesn't phase me, I know more about breastfeeding then some new mothers probably do - and labor, too. I know which facilities and which midwife I'd like to use in a number of cities (since we don't know where we'll be...). We are studying different virtues so that when we do have kids we'll have a better grasp of them & therefore more of an ability of how to instill them. I had a moment the other day - can't remember what happened now (also a sign? hahahaha) - where I thought, "does this mean a woman is ready to be a parent?". Oh, I know - the whole idea of not thinking manically about a PhD, being comfortable with the direction in my life, who I am, etc.

Granted, I know most people do NOT put this much thought and planning into having children. In fact, I remember telling my mother and some of her friends that we planned on waiting to have children and their unified response was "best laid plans of mice and men...". Well, almost 5 years later... thank you very much.

Well, well, well. I've talked your ear off.

18 hours....