For Crying Out Loud

I passed the DPD test, which means I do have the enzyme necessary to catalyze the 5-FU and get it out of my system. We got this news on Wednesday afternoon so I took my first pill on Thursday. I am on a dose of 500 mg once daily. The desired therapeutic dose is 12 of these a day. So, as you can see, I am on a much reduced dose in the hopes that it will minimize the side effects.

Within 2 hours my nose started to run. Coincidence? Maybe. Then I had diarrhea during the night. Unheard of? Not really, but out of the ordinary. I didn't take a pill on Friday. Last night during the night my foot started to itch. This morning (after I had taken my dose) I checked and sure enough, a blister on the bottom of my right foot. That one is from the Xeloda, even if the others are not. They have also started me on a steroid, and now my face is flushed and itchy. Jude from Hospice will be here on Tuesday, so I can check with her.

And they are coming to deliver the new windows on Monday.

Posted by Maman at 1:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

And yet, I realized that the fact that nothing is happening is something. I need to up-date everyone.

My plan was to shoot for working through December, into January. Then I would re-assess and make a new goal for February or March, stretching it out, cutting it into mini-goals. As I started to enter November, I still had my eye on January, but was willing to stop at Christmas. Lakeland takes the week from Christmas to New Years off, and closes. As November progressed I realized I was really pushing myself everyday, just to get to work. And I wasn't feeling very effective in what I did. I started to think about reducing my hours, but still aiming for Christmas. I got through Thanksgiving week (with only a day and a half in), thoroughly enjoyed a relaxed Thanksgiving weekend and expected to go back to work on Monday.

Monday dawned and it was clear that that was not going to happen. Same thing on Tuesday. Not much better on Wednesday, but my guilty conscience was getting to me and I was beginning to suspect that I was just malingering. Thursday I had a scheduled flu shot at Lakeland. I went to pick up my voucher. Merry and I chatted about my position and my replacement. I told her I thought I would be able to come in some days for about 4 hours to work with my replacement. We even planned for me to come into lunch the next day to meet with the ED of Hard Hatted Women. It seemed reasonable, doable.

Daddy drove me over to the area of the school where the flu shots were being given. I walked less than 100 yards from the car, into the building to get the flu shot and back out to the car. It became clear that I would not be returning to work and that I was not malingering.

So where does that leave us? I did take the blood test for the DPD (to see if I can tolerate Xeloda) on Tuesday but I have not received the outcome yet. I am no longer working. I am still losing weight. I have re-signed up with Hospice.

I wish I had more positive, hopeful things to say. I don't feel depressed, but I do have to accept what is. And this is what is.

Posted by Maman at 1:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)