I feel like nothing is happening
And yet, I realized that the fact that nothing is happening is something. I need to up-date everyone.
My plan was to shoot for working through December, into January. Then I would re-assess and make a new goal for February or March, stretching it out, cutting it into mini-goals. As I started to enter November, I still had my eye on January, but was willing to stop at Christmas. Lakeland takes the week from Christmas to New Years off, and closes. As November progressed I realized I was really pushing myself everyday, just to get to work. And I wasn't feeling very effective in what I did. I started to think about reducing my hours, but still aiming for Christmas. I got through Thanksgiving week (with only a day and a half in), thoroughly enjoyed a relaxed Thanksgiving weekend and expected to go back to work on Monday.
Monday dawned and it was clear that that was not going to happen. Same thing on Tuesday. Not much better on Wednesday, but my guilty conscience was getting to me and I was beginning to suspect that I was just malingering. Thursday I had a scheduled flu shot at Lakeland. I went to pick up my voucher. Merry and I chatted about my position and my replacement. I told her I thought I would be able to come in some days for about 4 hours to work with my replacement. We even planned for me to come into lunch the next day to meet with the ED of Hard Hatted Women. It seemed reasonable, doable.
Daddy drove me over to the area of the school where the flu shots were being given. I walked less than 100 yards from the car, into the building to get the flu shot and back out to the car. It became clear that I would not be returning to work and that I was not malingering.
So where does that leave us? I did take the blood test for the DPD (to see if I can tolerate Xeloda) on Tuesday but I have not received the outcome yet. I am no longer working. I am still losing weight. I have re-signed up with Hospice.
I wish I had more positive, hopeful things to say. I don't feel depressed, but I do have to accept what is. And this is what is.
Comments
Claude and I had a wonderful visit with you and Dusty this weekend--and we just happened to arrive at this important juncture in both your lives! Thanks for sharing your home and lives with us. While working outside your home does not seem best now, we could see your time at home is well spent.
Posted by: Margaret Dean | December 3, 2007 4:42 PM
Maman, I hear you. Thank you for this update. I'm coming home soon to visit you.
Posted by: Mendon | December 4, 2007 12:56 AM
Thanks for the info.
Will you tell us to come - or should we figure that out indipendently? I'm good either way: i just want to know what your thoughts are.
Posted by: R.T. Bean | December 4, 2007 1:02 AM
I'm here for you. Whatever. Whenever. But you already know that.
Posted by: Cindy | December 4, 2007 7:57 PM
Thank you Stephanie for the update. I appreciate your description of "nothing happening" - & the realization that things are changing , nevertheless. At present a dear Baha'i friend in our local community is finding that palliative care can take some of the stress away.
Much love,
Noel
Posted by: Noel Broomhall | December 5, 2007 8:58 AM
Thank you for the update. We are praying for you. I am so proud of you---your strength and courage.
Posted by: Nadine Baloun | December 5, 2007 11:09 AM
You'd better not depend on me to tell you when to come. Partly it depends on what you want to accomplish while you are here. Do you want to spend time with me while I am alive or do you want to kiss me goodbye? So I suggest you follow your heart and communicate with Daddy.
Posted by: ma | December 7, 2007 12:02 PM
Hey, I came across your blog because I did a Google search for "pennies into a black hole" to make sure I wasn't plagiarising anyone. I read through a bit of it, and you are an amazing writer.
I don't know you, but I've lost family and friends to cancer, and you have my sympathies fro having to deal with it. Cancer is about the worst thing that can happen to us, and it seems like no matter how far we come, nature always gives us something to choke on.
Anyway, thank you for an enlightening read.
-Charlotte
Posted by: Charlotte | February 14, 2008 2:41 PM