Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans. --John Lennon
Yes, you have seen this title before. It is still true now, as it was then.
Well, I have passed a milestone of sorts. The median life expectancy for someone with my diagnosis and surgery is 15 months. I passed that mark 4 days ago, apparently in reasonably good health. Depending on your perspective, a good thing, but not what I had planned. I say depending on your perspective because from the perspective of two years ago, I never thought this is where I would be. I thought I would live to be 85. Here I am at 55, grateful to still be alive.
So, I find myself in the position of waiting to die, not knowing when it is going to happen, but knowing it will be sooner than later. But it looks like it might be slightly later. The Hospice doctor (Dr. Katherine) came for a visit last week. She felt for my tumor, and like me, couldn't find it. She suggested that six months from now, if my health was the same, it would be time for a CT scan to see what was going on. Six months? I didn't expect to still be alive then. In October, the docs gave me six months to a year, and told me I was already 5 months into it. No matter how you look at it, it didn't look good for next July. Or October either. Whatever, I am leaving my options open.
Daddy and I signed up for pilgrimage back when Mara first went to Haifa. We just got our dates confirmed. January, 2008. That seems so very far away. I actually have to have a note from my doctor as to my ability to travel. I wonder what she will say. Anyway, I am planning on going, understanding that plans change. How else am I to live my life? I can't just stop. After all, I'm not dead yet.
It reminds me of a joke. There is a little boy. He goes to his Mama and asks, "Mama, is it true that we come from dust and to dust we will return?" His mama replies, "Yes, dear, that is what it tells us in the Bible." He responds, "Well, there is someone either coming or going under my bed." My problem is that I don't know if I am coming or going.
Comments
I do understand how you feel. I know you've said "don't make any plans based on me", but when you're supposed to be dying imminently, it feels appropriate to take that into consideration. But it's hard to do that when you're not cooperating! (said with a large dose of cheekiness)
But seriously, I imagine my siblings are all, to some extent, struggling with their distance from you at the moment. Well, I live with you, so I don't have that struggle - it's sort of the opposite: do I dare I move away? And it's two-fold, since I'm about to give birth to your first grandchild. You know, I'll have to "live with my decisions for the rest of my life". :-)
Posted by: Mara | February 12, 2007 9:56 AM
Wouldn't it be nice to be like Edith Piaf and be able to sing, "I regret nothing, rien de rien"? I guess life doesn't play out that way. We make our decisions and then get to live with them. I don't know what the heck to do, so how can all of you? You might as well make yourselves happy.
Posted by: ma | February 12, 2007 10:59 AM
I think it would be nice to be like Edith Piaf and thus able to speak French.
I love that song, by the way! I was listening to it on Sunday night at maximum volume, belting out phonemes whose meaning elude me.
Posted by: Nathan Dornbrook | February 12, 2007 12:50 PM
It is very strange to be 'waiting for you to die' as an external observer as well. Rereading that sentence it can seem harsh- I mean only that I expect your death but have no idea when it will come. Will it be sudden? Will it be soon? This is incomplete- I am suffereing from brain sickness. I left the burner on last night after dinner and came home to noxious fumes. Oh- I'm so sleepy...I don't mean to tease- I opened all windows and turned on cieling fans. I'm just tired from work and lack of sleep. Here's hoping for a snow day.
Posted by: R . T. Bean | February 12, 2007 9:44 PM
About five minutes later I went for a walk to get fresh air. When I returned there was still a slight scent of gas.
Posted by: R . T. Bean | February 13, 2007 7:35 PM
So, did you have a snow day today? I did/do!
Posted by: ma | February 14, 2007 11:11 AM
No snow- buit all the snow froze -Yesterday while moving I saw melting ice pooling up- but not draining because it was surrounded by ice mountains. So I got my shovela dn broke up the ice mountains and moved them to the grass/ice and water flowed to teh drainage ditch now when we move we will have a clear area to park the van - except that now we have the best parking spots. How can we keep them while also moving stuff tonight?
Posted by: R . T. Bean | February 16, 2007 12:04 PM
Epoxy everyone else's tires to the ground and boobytrap your spaces with caltrops. Don't forget to remove them before you get back, though!
Posted by: Nathan Dornbrook | February 20, 2007 8:20 PM
Great to see that you're still confounding the experts - whatever you're doing, keep it up!
Warm greetings from sunny Launceston, Tasmania.
Posted by: Noel Broomhall | February 23, 2007 7:56 AM
If my life came to a close, life as I know it wouldn't be buzy by making other plans because I would take life one day at a time and make the best of it. I am not prepared to take the next step knowing that life is what happens while your buzy making other plans because I wouldn't feel comfortable or ready.
Posted by: Jon Winchell | September 24, 2007 6:05 PM
I AM PROBABLY LIKE MANY OF YOU, BUT DIFFERENT AT THE SAME TIME.... YOU SEE MY BROTHER DIED OF NON HOGDGINS LYMPHOMA LARGE CELL/IN THE 4TH STAGE. (I GAVE UP SPELLING EVERYTHING RIGHT B/C NOW IT SEEMS LIKE A LOT OF WASTED TIME). HE DIED ON EASTER SUNDAY AT 5:15 A.M. AT THE AGE OF 48. LEFT BEHIND HIS WIFE AND TWO CHILDREN:F-AGE 13 AND SON-AGE 15. HE WAS MY ONLY SIBLING AND THE OLDEST. ALSO MY BEST FRIEND DIED OF A SUDDEN HEART ATTACE AT AGE 45 YRS. THIS HAPPENED TWO WEEKS PRIOR TO MY BROTHER'S DEATH. I AM 45 TOO. LIKFE HAPPENS WHILE YOU'RE WAITING TO DIE? FOR ME LIFE IS WAITING WHILE I GRIEF. THEY TELL ME TO EMBRACE THE GRIEF.
AGAIN EASY TO SAY HARD TO DO. MY MOTHER AND FATHER ARE ALIVE AGES 75 & 73.
I PRAYED TO GOD "I KNOW YOU ONLY GIVE US WHAT YOU KNOW WE CAN COPE WITH BUT CAN YOU HOLD OFF A BIT BEFORE THE NEXT DEATH?". TODAY IS MY MOTHER'S B-DAY. SOMEHOW WE'LL GET THROUGH IT ONLY WITH A LARGE MEASURE OF FAITH.
THX, SHARON KNOBOCK SAN ANTONIO TX.
Posted by: sharon knoblock (sibling & sister) | July 6, 2008 12:28 PM