For Crying Out Loud: To Be Fair

I haven't been posting so much on my blog, and now I need to talk about it. No need to worry; it isn't bad. It just is.

Mendon and I have talked a little about this. We both feel a little reluctance to post the things we think might create a firestorm. So he has carved a place in MySpace and I have been posting here. I found that I was writing some things in the comments that I didn't feel comfortable posting here. But the more I thought about it, the more I feel that it is not fair to put it 'out there' and not out here.

The last thing I posted was something I had written in the comments and then posted here as well. I have now resolved to be more open in my feelings here. I hope everyone can accept what I write in the spirit it is offered. I don't mean to upset anyone, just to allow you to know where I am in my process. I also don't want anything to come as a surprise later because I didn't share. I think this is an aspect of what I meant when I said, 'Let's not keep those end-of-life issues for the end of life.'

A few weeks ago I visited Heidi. I was feeling very down and as though I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was thinking it was inevitable and unavoidable to have a recurrance and to die of my pancreatic cancer. Needless to say, I was feeling a bit anxious.

That night I went to bed. I had no trouble falling asleep, but I woke up around 1 am and couldn't get back to sleep. I lay there, tossing and turning and fretting. Finally, I turned to prayer to soothe myself and turn off/tune out/drown out the noise in my head. I silently said, "Lord, you have to help me with this one." This is not a new prayer for me, more of a recurring theme.

All of a sudden, I was washed over with an indescribable wave of inner peace and calm. I had the sense of being held in His hands, much as though I was an Ann Geddes baby. The thought (I don't quite know what else to call it, but this isn't the right word. Maybe, Knowledge?) that appeared in my head/heart was that everything would be alright. I was going to be cared for and not left to do this journey on my own, that He would be with me.

It was clear to me that the outcome might still be a recurrance and ultimately death, but that it would all be okay. I rolled over and fell right back to sleep. Since then I have felt calmer and less anxious. I still think about things and still sort of worry about a recurrance, but not with that sense of impending doom. More the feeling of anticipating an exam that I know will be hard, but that I can do.