Someone out there praying?
Is someone out there praying, "Please keep my mother/wife/sister/friend/co-worker from having to have Chemo?" Because if you are, you must have a direct line to God's ear.
Today was June, the half-way point in the Gemzar treatments. Only, June was cancelled too. (If anyone is keeping track of my numbers, my White Blood Cell count was 2.5 -- higher than it's been and lower, too -- and my ANC was .63 --down from 2.5 last time it was too low. The ANC is the number that tells them how well what white blood cells I have will fight infection. So, of course, I am on precautions -- wash my hands, avoid crowds, etc. No problem washing my hands. The rest? Well, I'll do my best.)
Now, the nurses reassured me that I was still being the model patient and that it was because the Gemzar was still in my system. I was being given time off for good behavior. I choose to believe them.
I also found out (in an 'oh, by the way' sort of way) that I will be having radiation for seven weeks, not five and a half. Since it was just the nurse, I don't know why the discrepancy. I think I get to see Dr. Chaing sometime before I start, but if not I will ask Dr. Pelley.
Speaking of 'Oh, by the way', you should see my abs. Not that I have a six pack or anything, but I do have purple and green lines running all over the place along with two tatoos on the sides. Very colorful. I did the simulator thing today, where I was in the CT scanner for about a half an hour. With my arms over my head. By the time I could bring them down, I wasn't sure I was going to be able to. Interesting. And it looks like I will not have to have a form after all. I'll keep you posted on that one.
I don't quite know why it is so important to me to 'do it right'. As if, if I comply and it all goes well, the treatments will work better? Or, if I am very good, I deserve to be 'cured'? Or to prove that I really am healthy, except for this one little thing? I feel alternately angry, disappointed, sulky, scared and elated at missing treatments. I mean, come on, I've only gotten 50% of my treatments. This just doesn't feel right. And I think the same thing could happen with the radiation if my counts are too low.
Well, so what? You (okay, I) can only live my life so much tied up with this. I have other things to do. I promised Daddy that we would see the Grand Canyon when he graduated, and since we were sort of slated to 'graduate' together, it would be a wonderful celebration. I got a brochure from ElderHostel (we finally qualify!) with great trips to the Grand Canyon. I'm booking one whether or not I'm finished with my treatments. The doctors can just catch up with me.
Comments
Maman, what do you mean you may not have to have a form after all (4th paragraph)?
It sounds like you have some questions to ask the doctors. Please do, as I'd like answers to them as well.
Posted by: Mara | January 26, 2006 11:35 AM
Dear Stephanie,
I am pleased to hear that your treatment is going well overall. It is understandable that there might be slight adaptations and changes to the planned treatment as many factors enter into play. It is inspiring to see how positively you approach everything. It seems that you found the right balance between complying to what healthcare professionals advise you to do and your own personal input about how things should unfold. It sounds like these efforts are based on cooperation and this probably optimizes the quality of the treatment.
Mara keeps me posted regularly and I also stop by your blog from time to time to have news from you directly.
I continue keeping you and your family in my prayers.
Lots of love, andre.
Posted by: Andre Wattiaux | January 26, 2006 12:25 PM
Mara, the form would have been a mold that I lay in to keep me position to make sure that the radiation hits exactly where it needs to be. Just another step in the process. Merry's mother had one, so I thought maybe they would need one for me, too.
Andre, thanks for your encouragement. I know Mara keeps you posted and it is helpful to have someone speak in plain English about some of these things. I get information without judgement and it is easy for both me and Mara to color it and sometimes that color is black. She has been sharing your input with me. Keep checking in and reassuring us both. We both appriciate it.
Posted by: Ma | January 26, 2006 1:45 PM
Madame Maman,
I'm just remembering how proudly my grandfather showed my cousin Erica (the tattoo artist) his newest tattoos while undergoing radiation. He always had such a great sense of humor.
I'm glad your treatments are going well and was thinking you need a little bar chart/progress meter on the side of your blog like all the knitters have...so we can cheer on your white cell count and watch the months roll by. I'm a big fan of June (my birthday, father's day, last day of school, first day of summer), but you know July's got the fireworks, picnics and celebrations to look forward to.
The Grand canyon sounds wonderful and i can't see how having so much beauty and majesty around could possibly do anything but good. As long as you're up to it, don't let anything get in it's way. (On a related note, I have a friend who just found out she has cervical cancer and she'll have to have a hystarectomy (sp?) next week, and I made her skip work to go ice skating for the day, because I know how much she loves it.)
Sorry to be so all over the place, I've been meaning to comment for a while.
My love and prayers,
Valerie
Posted by: Valerie | January 26, 2006 11:57 PM
Fannie Mendelssohn wrote a piece that metaphorically traverses a whole year period. I can't remember what it is called but you might like it as a piece:)
much love
Posted by: Mendon | January 27, 2006 12:22 AM
Hey, Maman!
The Grand Canyon sounds so beautiful. I'm jealous. Always wanted to see the Grand Canyon.
Don't feel frustrated by wanting to "Do it right." It's probably not that you want to follow the rules to prove that you're healthy except for your bout with pancreatic cancer or want to be good so you deserve to be cured, but because the best chance that things have of going well is if they proceed in an uncomplicated fashion. They are most likely to do so when there are the fewest surprises, and the fewest surprises come to the doctors if you do what they say. I think you're just doing it right so that you're more likely to survive.
I'm a big fan of you surviving. So keep washing your hands and getting plenty of sleep and water and keep avoiding those crowds. Good news is that when your treatment successfully completes, you get to spend as much time with crowds and dirty hands as you like!
Posted by: Nathan Dornbrook | January 27, 2006 1:34 PM