Have you ever been in an accident?
You are driving along when all of a sudden, you lose control of the car. Nothing you do, much as you try, gives you control of the car. The scenery whirls by in frozen moments. You can see the other car that you know you are going to collide with; it's coming towards you, you know you are going to hit it, and there is nothing you can do. The snow is still falling, other cars are still driving on the road, unaffected by what is going on in your car, the world still turns and yet you know you are headed to sure disaster.
Well, that is sort of what I am feeling at the moment. I have no particular reason to feel this way. Well, no new reason, anyway. My chemo is going well. I have an appointment on Wednesday to simulate my radiation. It takes two of these to set up the radiation. All is going according to plan. Why the glum thoughts? I am feeling as well as I have since my surgery. I even have some energy.
I find it difficult to make plans more than two weeks out. Why? I tell myself I don't know what is coming, I don't know how I feel, but I suspect it's more than that. I don t know if I will still be here, and what is the point? I was going to turn Mensch's room into a guest/craft room for my sewing and knitting. Well, Daddy has moved in there and more or less taken over. So much for that, but in a way, it makes more sense. Who knows if I will ever sew again? Mendon also sent me an article about how victims of crime, accident and disease react to their situations and the reactions of the healthiest survivors. So I know how I am supposed to be feeling to best cope, but getting my head and heart to cooperate is challenging. I am planning on making spinach lasgana for dinner tonight though. (Thanks for the idea, Mara. It's been a long time since I've made it and, though Daddy likes it, it just isn't something he cooks.)
There was a site Mara printed out for me that had an article on depression in pancreatic cancer patients. They found no corelation between positive outlook and survival, only quality of life. I was really relieved to read that. Not that I enjoy wallowing in the depression. My mood does affect my quality of life, but to say that it affects survival is to blame the victim. "If she had been more positive, she would have survived." I guess, what I am trying to say is, don't worry. This, too, shall pass, as Gramma is fond of saying. And my funk won't make me die any sooner, either. It just makes me a pill to be around.
I am sorry to violate the 'keep it nice and light' rule of the blogs, not that I am alone in breaking that one. Maybe I am just looking for an outlet. Or some sympathy. (Don't give into that one. It never did anyone any good.) Or maybe just a place to lay it out in the open. I think the things that get in the way are the unspoken things.
PS Gramma is having carpel tunnel surgery on Feb 1. I'm sure she would appreciate hearing from any of you. Let me know if you need contact info and I will email it to you.
Off to make lasagna. I love you all and really, truly wish I could remove this cup from your lips.
Comments
Actually, I think Nathan printed that out - and at the time it was not intended for you to see it :-) I'm glad it helped you.
And what's this light rule on the blogs? I've never heard of it before. Obviously. I've talked about my mother's cancer, struggles for sanity, marital distress and everything in between (not to mention, knitting, lasagna, gardening and stepping barefoot on geckos)! And that's the way I plan on keeping it, too.
Posted by: mara | January 22, 2006 4:43 PM
Maman, don't worry about the light stuff; I just broke the rule on my blog. As for spinning out of control I first forgot that I was on your blog and thought that I was reading Rachael's blog and I thought, "Oh no! Rachael wrecked that beautiful Prius!" And then I realized that I was at your blog. No offense Rae, I like your car though.
And, really, I think that you captured the feeling of being out of control very poetically.
Also, Gramma says, "this too shall pass"? So do I. maybe that's where I get it from.
Also, that article was totally just a, if you're feeling this way it's something other people like you have felt, you're not abnormal.
Right now, I'm taking a course on "positive psychology" which is still figuring itself out and it says that you will get more out of life if you are mentally engaged in whatever it is you are doing (for example, I know that you get very involved in your work and find it satisfying). Papa's right about enjoying the work and being less concerned with end goal.
Posted by: Mendon | January 23, 2006 1:16 AM
Hey, Maman!
It's your blog, you get to write about whatever you want to write about. Anything at all.
Posted by: Nathan Dornbrook | January 23, 2006 4:40 AM
I WOULD have thought nothing of it until I read - no offense. Yikes. I guess you can't love my car as much as I do. I'm not that bad a driver and there is no snow here. Hmph! If you have to say no offense- well, next time don't say it.
Posted by: Rae | January 23, 2006 11:56 PM