Accelerated Adolescence

Glycine-Oryza Syndrome

Also known as Mad Legume Disease

Across the mid and far East a new pandemic is threatening to erupt. Similar to Kreutzfeld-Jakob syndrome, this disease, Glycine-Oryza Syndrome, has been at the heart of a great deal of human suffering. Though less lethal than its bovine counterpart, the illness can be frustrating and confusing for both its victims and their loved ones. The illness is suspected to infect individuals when they eat soy or rice products in the presence of other soy or rice products. For example, rice wine vinegar with actual rice or tofu marinated in soy sauce. The illness has been known to incubate for as many as ten to fifty years before manifesting itself symptomatically.

Two of a multitude of dangerous soy products that could be mixed to cause Mad Legume Disease. Though less noxious, like bleach and ammonia, these products should be considered lethal and kept out of the reach of adolescents and billy-goats who will consume, "everything in sight."

This disease was little known to Westerners, especially Americans (whose diets generally consist of preservatives, hydrogenated oils, and salt) and Argentinians (whose diets consist primarily of veal and mate) until a recent influx of Eastern immigrants brought with them their cuisine, frequently consisting of risky combinations. Unlike Mad Cow Disease, Glycine-Oryza can occur when the two foods are cooked together rather than requiring legumes or rice to be grown in legume or rice products. Because of this, Mad Legume Disease has a much higher prevelance rate than Mad Cow, which requires that the bovines consume the dead flesh of their brethren.

There have been about 100,000 cases reported in the United States alone. Fortunately for sufferers of this terrible syndrome, there is a high rate of spontaneous recovery. Because the disease is novel to the medical field, doctors have been struggling simply to define the disease, let alone find a cause or a potential cure. However, the disease is suspected of being caused by infectious agents known as beanons or grainons. These beanons and grainons, once infecting the individual, cause the buildup of rice and soy products in the individual's freezer and refrigerator to the exclusion of other products, such as red meat.

Symptoms of this terrible disease that are similar to Kreutzfeld-Jakob are; personality changes and hallucinations, balance and coordination dysfunction, and memory loss specifically about how good red meat tastes when properly prepared. It has been noted that individuals suffering from Mad Legume disease will frequently forego sports and other actively social activities for bizzarre activities where they socialize primarily with other victims of the disease. Other symptoms appear to be paleness of skin due to iron deficiency, a fascination with baking soda and baking powder as replacements for eggs, and the further consumption of rice and soy products. A sign that you or a loved one is suffering from from Glycine-Oryza syndromecan be the use of ricedream or soy milk with cold cereals (or just lactose intolerance) and a fascination with wooden or plastic shoes, rejection of leather and furs, and a preference for whole wheat foods. Frightened commoners in Kazakhstan first labelled the unfortunate souls who fell victim to the strange disease "vegan." Though this epithet is now considered a base and racist insult much like the term "mongoloidism," as is frequently the case, it has maintained its prominence of use solely in the United States and Canada.

Tempeh, a combination of soy and rice curd, cooked in a soy and curry sauce, served on a bed of rice can be especially dangerous. Officials recommend that these foods not be mixed because the combination could produce horrific effects such as reduced cholesterol levels, lower blood pressure, and decrease risk for heart attacks, strokes, most cancers, and heart disease.

In an effort to control what the Pentagon has described as a "blatant attack on American values in the form of virulent biologica and economicl warfare" and "this underground Vegan terrorism," fast food restaurants have begun a campaign to appeal to vegans all accross the country. Many of the chains have removed that nasty mushy white bread from their burgers and chicken sandwiches and replaced it, instead, with lettuce. Thus, by disguising the very agent of Mad Cow Disease, have these noble and patriotic restaurants made efforts to lure vegans into partaking in their true and rightful ancestral heritage, gross overconsumption of red meat primarly to the detriment and starvation of unknown foreign children.

Posted by Mendon at July 8, 2006 4:29 PM