Accelerated Adolescence

I'm back, for anyone who's encouraged to go to my blog now:) i figure that the least i can do is journal a little bit here and there. i guess that it's a little difficult to look back on the last year and really take all of it in. There's so much that i've done that i can't always swallow it. I guess, really, it all started last spring about fourteen months ago.
"Why?" you might say, "why fourteen months when you left only eight months ago?"

well, that would be a really good question and, I think that I might endeavor to explain exactly that. Fourteen months ago makes it about April 2003. This is an important time because it was when Kristen and I came to realize that we were dating. It was such a gradual process that neither of us really realized it until hip deep in 'relationship'. This sounds kind of amazing until you realize that I had mastered the art of denial. It's really not so hard to be blind as one might think, all you have to do is close your eyes. Which, on an anecdotal matter, is the way I managed to not date all the way through highschool. If you don't know that someone, or anyone for that matter, is attracted to you there is no risk of doing something that you regret, or that you really enjoy and regret...

This may have been the first time in my life that I have ever been truly faced with a dilemma of such a magnitude. Everybody knows that long distance relationships don't work. Everybody knows that they fall apart at the seams, that no one can do it, that everyone who gets involved is painfully hurt and always regrets it. Well, why, then, does anybody commit themselves to a long distance relationship? Because, THIS time, it's going to be different. My family should write a book on this, perhaps excluding Rachael who, being sane, abandonded such an approach and married someone who she had easy access to. By the way, that was probably really wise.

Now, as you know, my family does different very well. I think that we're kind of the entirely green Marilyn Monroe face on the Andy Warhol piece. I think, honestly, Kristen and i were encouraged by the model that Mara and Mark provided us with in their distance. Talking to Mara it feels like this was one of the most difficult events of her life but she got through it and, well, look at them they're amazing. So, when I told myself that my experience would be different I was correct.

No, my relationship with Kristen has been nothing resembling 'normal' and I give thanks and praise to God for this on a fairly regular basis. After dating for a few months, that we cognizantly recognized as dating, I left for louhelen. Its difficult to accept that last summer really happened. My brain keeps telling me things like, 'you willfully, of your own accord, left the most amazing woman you've ever known to go and live in a room with two mid-adolescent boys who made body odors that put pit of eternal stench in Labyrinth to sham? I don't believe you, you're wrong or insane. And you did it in the name of what, service?' Yup, and I almost flagged out. I came home for a four day weekend for some reason I can't remember but ended up spending it all with Kristen. Needless to say, it wasn't the same reason that others fall out of service, it's usually something like, 'i've never been this far away from home...' mine went something like, 'dammit, I should be getting married.'

(I'm not sure if this is good or not, but skylor wholeheartedly endoreses me getting married very soon, as soon as possible.)

And, then, amidst planning on doing a year of service somewhere in Chicago Gambia happened. I don't know what moved me to go to Africa. Maybe it was because i was desperate and no one in Chicago was responding to my emails. Maybe it was the Will of God. Maybe it was a tiny malignant gnome that hates me and wants to see me suffer, I don't know. But I got on a plane on the sixth of October and flew for seven and a half hours to an impoverished third world malaria ridden country to commit my labor for seven months to the Faith and to the advancement of world unity. I should have known that the plane flight, the longest flight I've ever been on despite the fact that to and from Australia were both well over twice the length of the flight, was symbolic. It was grueling and I didn't exactly have anyone to accompany me on the flight. But, then again, when have I ever actually traveled with someone, it seems more the exception than the rule.

Those seven months were torturous. I made every effort to make them not be. I worked my butt off despite the occasionally debilitating bouts of depression that would strike for weeks at a time then, in the middle of my stay, i hit a lull. There wasn't a lot of work for me to do and I needed to not be living where I was. I should have gone up country. I know that this would have made things mroe difficult for Kristen but I shouldn't have spent so much time in the city. I should have been somewhere doing something that wasn't what I was doing. But, like a beacon, Kristen faithfully called, emailed, chatted with me the entire time. Every Sunday she would call for about 100 minutes. Those few minutes kept me alive. I suppose I would have done all right if we had seperated. It would have been exceptionally painful but would have given me a little more freedom but it was clearly not what either of us wanted.

Well, i'm home now, reunited with family and other loved ones (although, bastard, I still haven't seen Andrew) and trying to jump back into the swing of things. So far i've had three good weeks, two bad ones and the rest of the days have been blah. It's difficult coming back from such a different way of life and jumping back into this one. Stepping out of Muslim society I find myself disgusted by both, loving very little of either, wishing that the teachings of Baha'u'llah could be actualized somewhere. (Mara, don't say it, I know where you are and what's going on and maybe i'll come and visit you.) I read most of Nine Parts of Desire which was written by an Australian reporter who spent, i think, more than a decade in the middle east and, while others found her overly critical of Muslims and their culture, well, I sure as hell didn't. I thought that she was pretty kind towards it and them. I'm still shocked that I lived in a society that condoned and legalized FGM, it just doesn't feel real.

But I've gotten off the topic. The issue at hand is that I tried to swallow too much, and i'm doing a good job of it. Whenever I think about the world for long enough, I have discovered, I become bitter and resentful of the injustice that is so manifestly pervasive. When will it end? Kristen is a mouthful in and of herself and, despite all of my efforts now at home, I still can't get my parents to talk to me about marriage. I have been subtle and sneaky about it up until now but I think that I may have to be a little more direct about it. sigh.

By the way, Kristen and I have been facing our challenges but are doing very well. The challenges remind me of the way that Mara and Mark fight. I remember Mara once saying, 'haven't you noticed how angry Mark and I are with one another right now? We haven't said a word to each other all night!' this was after she and Mark spent the evening hosting a large party being very laid back, gregarious, and loving towards everyone in the room. I guess the rest of us just were obliviously having fun while they were busy silently fuming. It makes me chuckle and smile.

Posted by Mendon at June 17, 2004 2:10 PM