Blogginess
Can you tell, of late, that I'm lacking a bit of direction, deep thought ... or, you know, much of anything interesting to say? Okay, okay, that's assuming I ever had any of that in the first place.
Our family is changing. I imagine I'm not the only one who senses that. Instead of my mother being connected to us and up-to-date on all of our lives, we are trying to do that all ourselves. It certainly isn't that our mother stood in the way, but she was the only one doing that much work to stay in touch with all of us, I think. Not to say that we were all shabby about - Nathan set up these blogs, Rae is great at writing letters and sending little gifts, Mendon would call. We all made efforts, but now, well now we just simply all do a lot more legwork. It is as if our very lives depended upon it. At least, that's how I feel. I feel as if, even for one minute, I become disconnected from one of my siblings or my father, that something awful will happen.
Shortly after my father headed home on Friday morning, I went out for something in the same direction that he had gone, and I had horrible visions of finding his car on the highway. I tried to wait patiently for his phone call to tell me he had returned home safely.
I sometimes think about one of us dying, or even being told about some serious illness we'll have to deal with, and how that would effect our family right now. I cringe.
I saw greeting cards for "grandparents day" - hello greeting card holiday! - except, I didn't think "how phony", I thought, wow, if I really wanted to wound my father, I'd send him one of those, 'cause, wow, doesn't that hurt? Boo. Yuck.
On the bright side, I'm looking into joining a motherless daughters support group at a hospice here in town. At this point, it sort of feels like another chore, but I suspect it may be just what I need. I know my mother would recommend it to me.
Blargh.
By the way, Papa, Liam now runs to the door with his big bubble makers and says, "bubbles? bubbles? out? out?" And he'll randomly say, "Goon-dah. Goon-dah" (his version of "Goompah)
Comments
I am glad you are trying to go to a support group. It will show you you are not alone. It will give you an outlet to hear you while your family seems to go on with life. Work, bubbles, meals, visits, faith activities, parenting. I spelled parenting parneting. I think it is such a nice looking word I'm going to look it up and see if it is a real word. Like something to do with knitting. Oh parn! for heavens socks. See what I mean. Yeah, I digress easily these days.
I enjoy those big bubble makers too. Perhaps I am still a child. More like regressing I think. Especially around Lilu....I went and bought two more of them today.
By the way, I got home safely. I went to Mama's grave site before going home. I usually stay for an hour or so and I just forget things after I spend an hour doing something else. Sorry....
I understand the feeling of being alone when something terrible might happen. I kind of live with that every day as of late.
And also by the way, if you guys are planning a surprise 60th party for me, you are doing a great job. Don't worry, I won't go to work on my birthday. I have taken the month of September off so far. The best gift I will have this year will be seeing all of you together. Who knows when next that may happen.
I want to know all about the art festival Mara. I hope you go to it in good weather tomorrow. Wow! September 1st.
Oh! I got 33.38 miles per gallon on my trip to Columbus this past week. That's not bad for a 2001 Buick with a 3.8 liter engine. Shucks, I'm almost ashamed to tell you about it.
Posted by: papa | September 1, 2008 8:02 AM
I think quite regularly about what would happen if one of us got sick or injured...or worse. In fact, whenever I'm out or at work and can't answer the phone and see that my mom is calling I'm always anxious and nervous about what she has to say. It's usually just some random question or something but I feel bad that my reaction isn't a happy "Oh look my Mom's calling" but instead a "Oh no, my Mom's calling, what could it be?"
My Dad's birthday would be coming up on the 10th...am I supposed to do something?
Posted by: Valerie | September 1, 2008 8:30 PM
More videos of Liam, please.
Posted by: Mendon | September 6, 2008 8:54 PM
I have no idea, Valerie. I do know that I'd kind of like to be with my family on my mother's birthday. Or be really, really distracted with some big, happy, rambunctious activity.
Go build something? I don't know, Valerie, obviously. I guess we get to wing this one.
By the way, I'd forgotten about that similarity - that our fathers were born one day apart. Come celebrate my father's birthday? You could be all depressed that you can't celebrate it with your dad, but then think, "oh, but, they just lost their mom", so you won't wallow too much. ;-)
Posted by: Mara | September 6, 2008 11:46 PM
Oh Valerie!
My heart goes out to you. I know I will go to Stephanie's grave site on her birthday and wave big bubble makers for her and say lots of her favorite prayers and go home and make a pineapple upside down cake(which I did for years for her on her birthday). I'll make the whipped cream just like she liked it,unsweetened. Maybe some of the kids will share in this with me. Maybe you can talk to your Mom about it and see how she feels about doing something. I will remember him in prayer on his birthday, and you in your heart questions too. Prayers for the intersession of souls apply most now I think. So intersess for him. Oh I know it's spelled intercede. My way is more phun.....
Posted by: papa | September 7, 2008 4:58 AM
I would like to enjoy some pineapple upside downcake. I suspect that I will be able to make it for abirthday weekend.
Posted by: Rae | September 9, 2008 2:20 AM