Everything, Nothing, and I'm a Middle Child

I was thinking about your mom the other day, reading that it was the 1 year anniversary release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I was remembering that dinenr at Bev's house and how Basil and I were running back and forth to the local Barnes and Noble that night to nab our place in line for the midnight release. I remember your mom drinking her tea and being so sure that Snape was a good guy and that he had been in league with Dumbledore all along.

It seems like yesterday and a like a lifetime ago, all at once.

Hang in there, Mara.

I always imagined that it would be like that to lose someone close. That for a long time there would keep being new things that would make the pain of loss fresh again. It hasn't happened yet to me, but I sort of live in fear of it. I hope your reunion will also be a celebration of who she was and your love for her.

Yes, Sashwee it is like that, except that I think I try to spend my day wrapped up and busy with other stuff so that I don't think about it, so on those occasions when it is unavoidable I tend to be completely overwhelmed.

Me, too, Mara. I can't make sense of it.

Yeah, that's about right. It feels horrible and wrong that I have difficulty remember who my mother was. It doesn't help that I have an indelible image of my mother dying in my head. So, now I have to work to overcome inserting her as sick in all of my memories of her.

I remember her loving me so strongly. And being a champion of mine. And being my lover and companion, and bestest friend, and honest to a fault. Her smile was so wonderful almost childlike in its complete joy of smiling like she was laughing inside and it was leaking out all over her face. I am not trying to connect to anything over it. I just love her and it all wells up inside me like her smile.
Every day without her is a first for me. And she loved you kids with every ounce of her being. You are her pride and joy, and reason for just about everything. She always talked about you to everyone: how proud she was of you and all your accomplishments. Each of you brought her great, great joy in giving birth to you, raising you, holding you in her arms and singing to you. Her entire being changed to a luminous glow when each of you was born. You completed her. I hope that's a beautiful connection for you. Each spouse of yours became her child too. Another son or daughter. More than family if that is possible.

Mendon and Kristen: it's good to know I'm not the only one. It confirms to me that it really is a phase. People have said to me that eventually the memory of Maman dying will be replaced by memories of her life, so I guess it just takes time.

Papa, I can hardly read what you write through the tears. And not to worry, we will never forget Maman. It's just a matter of getting around to thinking of her as memories, I guess. We all love her so much, and we know that that is because she loved us - not only 'so much' - but unconditionally. She was so truly amazing. Thank you for sharing your memories and also what her interactions with us looked like from your angle.

Oh the ache of it all.

I now have two experiences in this area. Both very different.
My dad, well that's just gonna take some time I've realized. Quoting Verbal Kint "And poof. Just like that, he's gone." Might not ever be able to get my head around it completely.
My grandmother, a very special lady, just got old and slowly faded away. That was the hard part for me, it was like she was slowly disappearing, and yet she was still there. By the time she passed away, it was as if she had already been gone a long time, and my lack of strong emotional feeling kinda bothered me. However, at her funeral, her friends from church who talked about her life and all the things she did for them really brought back the images of my grandmother I knew from childhood and early adulthood. I then felt the loss.
My brain realizes that I am an extremely fortunate person to have such family members in my life, and my heart feels contentment in the fact that they were both very loved people, and are awash in seas of prayers and well-wishings from those that cared for them.
Loss still hangs around in my emotions though. Here's to making it through. May we all come out better people. :)
I really appreciate all you Dornbrooks and family sharing all this.
Take Care.