Get Me Off That Train!
Whoa. They ain't joking when they talk about postpartum blues due to a serious hormonal roller coaster-esque drop. The medical staff talked about the 'first ten days' being susceptible to 'the blues'. Yah. It's now 12 days out and it really was yesterday that I started feeling the fog lift. Night feedings, with exhaustion and alone time added in, were harrowing. A couple of times I sat feeding Liam with tears streaming down my face. And no, they were not tears of joy. Tears shed for the life I've left behind, the dream job I'll never have again, the freedom I had, etc. The rest of the family talked about being over the moon, full of happiness and sheer amazement at the birth of our son. And I silently sat there wondering, "what the hell were we thinking?!?!"
I think the worst part of it was that surrounded by this joy and excitement, it is practically forbidden to speak up and say that I was not happy, I was not over the moon, and, umm... would someone like to take him off my hands, please (permanently)?
Fortunately for me, my entire family came in to town this past week for my grandfather's funeral (thank you, grandpa, for your thoughtful consideration), so we had a houseful of eager aunts and uncles wanting nothing better than to do exactly that - take Liam off my hands; not to mention affording me a reason to get out of the house. Furthermore, what with them being my siblings, there was enough noise and activity in my parents' relatively small home for me to silently fade into the background while I struggled to figure out what I was going to do.
Well, as I said, fortunately for me the fog has lifted; I can see his adorable cuteness, serene innocence and something other than a future in which he terrorizes me and everyone else's path he crosses.
To end on a happy note, here we are, with a very obviously ecstatic Auntie Rae:
Check out Nathan's blog for more photos of the happy relatives with Liam.
Comments
Mara, thanks for sharing this. I really like and appreciate your tell-it-like-it-is writing style. As a person cowering on the childless side of the chasm at present, it really helps me to know what it is really like to go through it. Lots of love. Amelia.
Posted by: Amelia McGee | April 16, 2007 07:17 PM
I genuinely do not understand women who say they were in love with their babies the minute they saw them. Relieved? Yes. Excited? Yes. But instantly in love? Not me. For me, it took a little while to accept the changes that had happened and get to know the little person that had been growing inside me for so long. Not to mention the sleeplessness, and the breast infection that made every feeding feel like I was being slowly stabbed with a red-hot ice pick.
Just know that it gets better, the baby gets more interesting and you get your footing as a mother. And you're not the first person in the world to ever feel this way.
Posted by: merseydotes | April 16, 2007 09:09 PM
Thank you for sharing. Strange as it seems (i'm single and not anywhere near having a baby) I completely understand you. I feel like, in your situation, this is exactly what I would feel and think, though not probably have the guts to share on a blog. I love you Mara. I'm with you, though I"m not constatly in touch.
Posted by: Violetta | April 23, 2007 06:09 AM
I'm not where close to having a child right now, but some day I will and I'm personally terrified of the same thoughts I might have and feel like I wouldent be able to share it with anyone coz no one would understand. You have no idea what a big relief it is to know that this can be a common feeling and that It will also pass. I'm constantly around a family with kids and keep wondering how i'd ever be able to do the same thing, so much of responsibility and commitment.. I guess i'll learn to deal with it..?
Posted by: sahba | May 8, 2007 11:18 PM