Antsy
I get this way every once and a while. Or maybe, rather, I realize every once and a while that this is how I am living my life.
I am a planner. Those who really know me are laughing right now at how much of an understatement that is.
I seem to live each phase of my life, preparing for the next. I'm not much of a spontaneous, in the moment person - even when I am spontaneous. I guess I can appear spontaneous on a more detailed level, but when you zoom out and look at my bigger picture, well, I'm just a hotbed of planning.
For example, towards the end of my undergraduate schooling I started getting panic attacks. These general things - I didn't even know why I was panicking, which made me all the more panicky (what have I forgotten that I'm panicking about?!?!). Yeah, well, I had no plans whatsoever as to what I was going to do after college. And once I figured out, it was, generally speaking, all good.
Then I got married, moved to France, and although I worked very hard to enjoy that time apart from Mark, when I was interacting with Mark it was all about planning our future life together.
We sort of settled in, then moved to Israel. Now we're in Israel, and pretty much definitely leaving in a year. I am planned out. If you can relate to that.
In fact, I bet you're planned out.
The thing is, I'm not sure how to turn this O-F-F. We've got another year, which I am sure we'll enjoy. But I still have this nagging desire to plan. Plan exactly when we'll have a child, where we'll live, how we'll support ourselves, etc. (gah! such a control freak!) When will it stop? Where will it end?
I remember that when my younger brother was little he was always saying things like, "If a three-legged monster jumps through my window and attacks our family, I'll kill it with the secret broom handle I keep hidden under my blankey." It drove me nuts - sometimes because it was a little too close to home for my own fears (burglars, etc.), but by and large, I was just like "as if, Mendon!" My mother told me I wasn't to discourage him, as it helped him order his world and feel safe. Apparently, I still suffer from the same syndrome: must - order - world. My apologies to Mendon.
I used to tease my parents that they were unable to be spontaneous, and even if they were, it was "planned spontaneity". Wow - where did I get off saying anything like that, eh? I hereby apologize to my parents (and my future children).
Any suggestions? Is there a Planners Anonymous?
Comments
Let me explain. Planners, like geeks, RULE! Being a planner is a good thing. The majority of the women that we see in the Women's Center are here seeking our assistance because they didn't plan and now find themselves up an unexpected creek. Without means of propeltion.
On the other hand, I can identify with decision fatique. You life will settle down into a routine again, I promise. It's the transition that is tricky. Keep me posted. No, better yet, keep posting. I love reading your blogs. I don't seem to have the time and space (or maybe something else is lacking too) to self-examine and write as interestingly as you do. But I do seem able to react to what you and others write. (Anyone heard from Nae recently?) Which could spawn a blog about reaction as opposed to respond or even act. Another day. Actually, like Rae, I have a list of titles for blogs that I have never written. Only, over time, I forget the titles and the opportunity evaporates like the early morning spring mist in the warming sunshine
Posted by: ma | May 11, 2005 04:00 PM
It was very interesting to get some insight into someone else's relationship to planning. I have a bit of an odd relationship to it. I find it very difficult to follow plans, though making them is somehow satisfying. Do you generally follow the plans you make closely or do your plans get changed underway?
Posted by: sashwee | May 11, 2005 06:10 PM
Maman - that's what the "Draft" option is for! Put in the title when you think of it, and then write it and "Publish" later.
Sashwee - oh yeah, the plan is more important than following it, in the sense that you follow it until a fork in the road presents itself, basically I try to follow it to its _logical_ conclusion, whether that is the 'end' or a point at which I know it's time to do something else.
Posted by: Mara | May 12, 2005 08:20 AM