Visitation begins at 12:30p.m.
Services begin at 1:00p.m.

We will go to the Mentor cemetary at 2:30p.m., then return to Brunner Funeral Home for a reception.

We'd like to thank you, the readers of her blog, who have buoyed her spirits, commiserated with her, made jokes, left comments, prayed from far away.

You made my mothers battle easier.

When she was diagnosed with stage 3 type 4 pancreatic cancer two and a half years ago, we never imagined that we had so much more time with her.

That time, every day of it, was a blessing.

Thank you for helping my mother live more richly.

To those of you who are currently living with cancer, keep your spirits up. My mother has some advice for you, but not quite yet.

My sister Mara, a more articulate writer than I, is keeping a journal of my mother's final days on her blog, here.

We'll read comments to my mother for as long as she wants to hear them.

Within 2 hours my nose started to run. Coincidence? Maybe. Then I had diarrhea during the night. Unheard of? Not really, but out of the ordinary. I didn't take a pill on Friday. Last night during the night my foot started to itch. This morning (after I had taken my dose) I checked and sure enough, a blister on the bottom of my right foot. That one is from the Xeloda, even if the others are not. They have also started me on a steroid, and now my face is flushed and itchy. Jude from Hospice will be here on Tuesday, so I can check with her.

And they are coming to deliver the new windows on Monday.

My plan was to shoot for working through December, into January. Then I would re-assess and make a new goal for February or March, stretching it out, cutting it into mini-goals. As I started to enter November, I still had my eye on January, but was willing to stop at Christmas. Lakeland takes the week from Christmas to New Years off, and closes. As November progressed I realized I was really pushing myself everyday, just to get to work. And I wasn't feeling very effective in what I did. I started to think about reducing my hours, but still aiming for Christmas. I got through Thanksgiving week (with only a day and a half in), thoroughly enjoyed a relaxed Thanksgiving weekend and expected to go back to work on Monday.

Monday dawned and it was clear that that was not going to happen. Same thing on Tuesday. Not much better on Wednesday, but my guilty conscience was getting to me and I was beginning to suspect that I was just malingering. Thursday I had a scheduled flu shot at Lakeland. I went to pick up my voucher. Merry and I chatted about my position and my replacement. I told her I thought I would be able to come in some days for about 4 hours to work with my replacement. We even planned for me to come into lunch the next day to meet with the ED of Hard Hatted Women. It seemed reasonable, doable.

Daddy drove me over to the area of the school where the flu shots were being given. I walked less than 100 yards from the car, into the building to get the flu shot and back out to the car. It became clear that I would not be returning to work and that I was not malingering.

So where does that leave us? I did take the blood test for the DPD (to see if I can tolerate Xeloda) on Tuesday but I have not received the outcome yet. I am no longer working. I am still losing weight. I have re-signed up with Hospice.

I wish I had more positive, hopeful things to say. I don't feel depressed, but I do have to accept what is. And this is what is.

As I think you know, I started feeling less well in August. I have gone back to the doctor's several times trying to find the answer. The question being, if this is not the cancer, is there something we can do about it? What I was not getting was the answer, what you are feeling is from the cancer. We can address the symptoms, but not the cause. Since I was not getting that answer, I kept asking and complaining. Hence, the CT scan and bone scan and then MRI. In the CT scan they found a mass in the area of the stomach. (I know, I know, I am repeating myself.) I asked if this mass was cancer or something else. He felt strongly that it is more of the cancer. And the reason I am having trouble eating and am losing weight. I have been losing at about the rate of 3 pounds a month. If I wanted to lose weight, well, then that would be a good rate, but I don't.

After the MRI, I called the doctor back. I am glad that I don't have cancer in the bones. I hear it is very painful. What they did find was that I have a fractured vertebrae (T12). I'm not sure how that happened. It may have been when I fell in the shower. Or not. It is from osteoporosis. Whatever showed up on the pelvic region on the bone scan didn't show up on the MRI at all, so it is dismissed.

I couldn't quite leave it alone, so I called again. I said to the onc that I felt we were still missing something because the area that was causing me the most trouble is my lower abdomen/pelvic region. Finally he said, make no mistake. That is from your disease. The CT scan is just not fine enough to find it, but it can still be causing me problems. Strictures, obstructions, etc.

The question is, What's next? The onc would like me to try Xeloda, which is an oral form of 5FU, a very well-named drug, in my book. The idea would be to reduce the effects of the cancer, purely palliative. I must say, I feel very little enthusiasm for this plan. I realize that to not do this would make the path certain, but I had a bad reaction to the 5FU. I suspect that I will have a similar reaction to the Xeloda. Frankly, the disease is bad enough. I don't need added effects of the drug on top. And I don't really think it will do much good, either. It didn't seem to do much when I took it before in intravenous form.

So, Daddy and I are taking some time on Wednesday before he starts at UH to go to the Gathering Place and consult with the medical librarian. It is so hard to find objective opinions. (Is that contradictory?) This is a hard decision to make.

Anyway, I hope that has cleared things up. If not, please ask. If you are confused, there is a good chance that someone else is too, so you would be doing a service to everyone who reads this blog to ask me to clarify. Thanks for staying with me on this. It is not always easy to write about.

Then I went to Heinen's to order Thanksgiving dinner. That was more difficult than I thought it would be. For one thing, they don't have their brochures printed yet. I mean, come on, Thanksgiving is less than 3 weeks away! For another thing, I had to have this 10 minute conversation standing up. That is getting more and more difficult to do. (This would have been so easy to do on-line!) But the real difficulty was in letting go . . . letting go of the menu (I have to choose from what they offer), letting go of the image of good cook, hostess, etc. I realize I will probably never cook Thanksgiving dinner again. That made me sad, but I was in a hurry and didn't pause to think of it at the time.

I drove to Lakeland for my W2W workshop. I feel like such a failure in this arena. We are supposed to be focusing on Career Choices/Career Planning (The Myth). First of all, in the name of keeping peace between departments, I asked if someone from Counseling could lead this workshop. They sent two men to to a one woman's job. And they sent men to lead a women's workshop. Not the end of the world, but sort of not getting the point. Then, well, many of the women in the workshop are . . . fragile. Several are dealing with domestic violence, some dependency issues, self-esteem, basic security, isolation, to name the obvious ones. There was more pain spilled on the floor yesterday than I have seen in a while. The problem with that is that Counseling feels the Women's Center isn't actually qualified to run these sort of workshops because we 'are not counselors', which, indeed we are not. So, I am sort of afraid of the repercussions.

From there, on to the AFC (gym). I cleared out my gym locker and turned back my lock. Another moment of reality combined with grief. I can no longer walk the track. I have trouble walking all the way down to the gym. It just felt so final. And sad.

Then on to LakeWest. Lake West? you ask. As in Lake Hospitals System? Yes. I had an appointment for a two hour MRI. You might be wondering why I had an appointment for an MRI. This has not been part of the diagnostic tool box so far, why now? Last Monday I had a bone scan and a CT scan. The bone scan showed 'something' at my T12 vertebrae and on my pelvic bone. I have been having back pain, which is what triggered the bone scan in the first place. The CT scan also found a mass in the area of my stomach, which apparently wasn't there when I had my last scan in September*. That was then, this is now. Back to the MRI.

I am here to tell you that that was my last MRI. I will not do that again. I don't care why. I am not going through that again. MRIs are not in and of themselves painful. But laying on the very hard table on my sore and no longer well padded be-hind was. For three (3) hours and perfectly still. I was in tears. It was (while not a ten and not kidney stones) something I don't want to repeat. Ever.

I came home and Daddy had cleaned up the living room. Most of it migrated to the spar'oom, but it was out of sight. Because we were hosting feast. I was exhausted. Daddy was also tired from working, going to the doctor's and not being able to get back to sleep. But the community pulled together and brought refreshments. They must have enjoyed themselves because I had to ask them to leave at 10:30.

As I said, yesterday was a busy day.

Today we are going to Medina for the young Dornbrooks' birthdays. Actually, I think it is just Jaci. Garrett is staying down at OSU. Tomorrow Uncle Thom goes in for knee replacement.

And a few post scripts:

Look who came for dinner? And stayed the night.

Houston, I think we have a problem.
The funny part is that I knit the same socks (and yes, I count both the stitches and the row) with another brand of yarn with the same yardage . . . and had leftover yarn. Go figure!

I think this is why they are called Morning Glories.

We finally (after about 25 years) planted bushes out front. Don't worry. They will grow in and look beautiful in about 5 years or so. They still look just a tad scrawny at the moment.

This one is the Beauty Berry bush. Aren't these berries the most impossible color? When I first saw them, I thought someone had wired these berries to the bush.

*I do suppose I have to talk about that mass in the area of the stomach. It appears that that is what has been causing the full feeling, the loss of appetite and accompanying weight, and severe heartburn.

I'm still not really talking about either of these things very well, am I? Sorry. I know what they mean, but not just what the next step will be. What they mean of course, is that the cancer is progressing, breathing down the back of my neck, you might say. Anything we would do at this point would be strictly palliative. I do not want anyone suffering under the delusion that we can beat this beast. Anything we do will simply be to make me more comfortable. And, no, I haven't been all that comfortable for the last 3 months now. I adjust and cope as best I can, but things are going downhill.

at herself . . .

again.

"See? I can sit up all by myself!"

"Boy, are grandparents exhausting or what? I just can't keep my eyes open anymore!"

Pictures are worth thousands of words! Isn't he wonderful? I had the hardest time dragging myself away.

I've been busy at work, well, that sort of goes without saying, but I'm saying it anyway. Why? Well, I am supposed to be cutting back on my hours and now I have overtime. Oops! Next week, I'll take time off. One good thing, for those of you who are familiar, I have finally finished proofing the Guide. 'Nuff said!

Knitting: I should be posting some photos. So I will.

This is a pair of socks I knit for a friend of mine in Columbus. She also has pancreatic cancer and is still undergoing chemotherapy. She commented that the chemo makes her cold and that she wears her husband's wool socks to keep her feet warm. I thought she might like a pair of purrty socks of her own to keep her feet warm, so I knit them out of some lovely purple Trekking XXL. I like them so much that I am knitting a pair for myself. Slightly different yarn, but same pattern.

And this is my "knitting jewelery". Isn't it beautiful? Kristen made them for me. (For you non-knitters, they are place markers. You slip them on the needle to mark either the beginning, the middle or whatever you want to keep track of.) I just loved them against the really great yarn. They make me want to knit only in purple!

Books: Since my surgery gave me time to sit and read, well, I did. And now that I am back to work, I am still. Daddy goes to work at around 9:30 and I go to bed and read for about half an hour. (So don't call after 9:30. I'll be in bed and I don't want to get up.) Well, I'd like to tell you about some of the books I have read lately. I read The History of Love by Nichole Kraus. Very good, if a bit confusing at first. It was so good that I wanted to start back at the beginning, but I refrained because I wanted the book club to read it with me. We will be discussing it Oct 20th. Last month we read (at my suggestion) Three Bags Full - a murder mystery solved by sheep. Sound quirky? Yes, that is how I am coming to be known in the book club -- suggester of quirky books. And there is one more, The Face of a Naked Lady. Again, quirky. And very good. It is a family memoir, though very different from another one I also read - A Family Romance. Interesting, but not nearly as good a The Face of a Naked Lady. I also read Final Exam by Pauline Chen. Very interesting. (Jude, you must read this one!)

On to movies. Uncle Claude gave me a subscription to Netflix to recover with. I suppose I'm not fully recovered because I haven't given up my subscription. I have gotten hooked on quirky (yes, it rears it's ugly head again!) Australian movies. It started with The Dish, a story about the space race. Funny, touching and unexpected. Then I watched Muriel's Wedding. Okay, but it had gotten some aclaim in the US, so not such a discovery. Then Daddy and I watched Strictly Ballroom. Funny, touching and wonderful. Maybe I should find out who the directors are (or are they all by the same guy?) and see if I can find more.

Anyway, that is all for this week. I expect to be in Columbus next weekend visiting my little Li-Lu. Oh, and his parents. No, really, we are going to go visit the whole family. I've missed my little Liam the Lima bean! So if you don't hear from me for a week or two, that's okay.

A bientot.

Here is why I ask. I have had this experience twice in two different years (2005 and 2007) in two different cities (Mentor and Cleveland Heights) in two different franchises (Panera and Starbucks). The one constant was that the servers were both young men, one black, one white.

I walked into the coffee shops in question and asked for a large ceramic cup in which to make a cup of tea. In both cases, the young man in question reached behind himself with a slightly puzzled look on his face and brought forward a Styrofoam cup. In both cases, I wasn't sure what was going on. (I'm a slow learner.) I am afraid to say, I took it a bit personally and was offended, maybe even a bit huffy. I am sorry for both times, really, I am. I promise that in the future, I will speak slowly and use smaller words.

I pointed out to both of the young men that what they had in their hands was not ceramic. They both shrugged and looked even more perplexed. I said, "That is Styrofoam; I would like ceramic." At this point, the light started to go on in the attic. The one young man admitted that he didn't know what ceramic meant, the second just got a different cup, since I didn't seem happy with what he was proffering.

In both cases, I did get my tea, in a ceramic cup, and I was happy. But I was perplexed as to whether the term "ceramic" was archaic, or if I was for using it.

[From Greek keramikos, of pottery, from keramos, potter's clay.]
ceramic ce·ram'ic adj.

(I don't see archaic in there anywhere.)

The next day I realized that I really did want to hear something. . . anything, from my doctor. I didn't want to be ignored by my doctor. Been there, done that, didn't even like the T-shirt! That was the main reason for switching oncologists. So, late in the afternoon, I called. He called back. Not his nurse, not his secretary; he called back.

Let me try to reconstruct the conversation. I don't have it word for word, but I hope to capture the gist.

I asked if he could tell me anything from the report from the scan. He said it looked surprisingly good. I asked just what that meant. He said it showed some fluid build up in the pelvic region. I thought to myself, yes, I can feel that. It is just pressure, not pain. He asked me how I felt. I told him I felt fine. (and I do most of the time. I have occasional days when my tummy bothers me some.) Then I asked if there was anything else. He said, Not much. So I asked, Are you saying we are sort of back to no evidence of disease? (Incredulously!) His response was on the order of, sort of. Then he went on to say, 'look, your disease is not acting like pancreatic cancer. We really haven't seen anyone this far after surgery with no treatment before. It's uncharted territory' So I guess I am back to square 3.14, or wherever. The next step is to have another scan and appointment in October. It seems a long way off, doesn't it? I hope to sort of forget that I have cancer for that time.

So, I have finally come to the conclusion (again!) that I am not in control of my life. Or my dying. I just have to wait, watch and see how it all unfolds. After all, death is an inevitable part of life.

If anyone does have any ideas about what is going on, please, please comment and give your slant on things. In the meantime, I feel really good and am back to work and going about my business, making plans. Oh, and boy! am I glad Daddy and I didn't cancel our plans to go on pilgrimage in January! We may still have to, but, I'm waiting until it become really, really obvious that I can't make it before I cancel.

Mendon and Kristen left on Sunday. Nathan, Ingrida and her father left on Monday and Rae stayed around until Wednesday morning. You would think that I would have spent the rest of the week being busy and productive -- and you would have been wrong. I was lazy and relaxed and it was wonderful. We went to the beach. My Hospice nurse stopped by, but it was just a social visit so she could meet Liam, whom she had watch grow before he was born. I read several books. One, Stumbling on Happiness, was quite interesting. I recommend it. Another is a WWII novel set in the Philippines as told by three different characters. Also quite good. (When Elephants Dance) I am going to miss my reading time. Sigh. (The irony of this is that this month for our book club, we had two little fluff books and I had all this time. Last month we read a 660 page novel!)

Oh well, I am just grateful I am well enough to return to work.