For Crying Out Loud

I find myself a bit confused. I had a CT scan on Thursday. The idea was to have a new baseline after my latest surgery. Okay, I didn't have an appointment after the scan until October, so I figured that there really was not much information in the scan. I mean, after all it is just a base line. So after the scan, I went about my day. Fine.

The next day I realized that I really did want to hear something. . . anything, from my doctor. I didn't want to be ignored by my doctor. Been there, done that, didn't even like the T-shirt! That was the main reason for switching oncologists. So, late in the afternoon, I called. He called back. Not his nurse, not his secretary; he called back.

Let me try to reconstruct the conversation. I don't have it word for word, but I hope to capture the gist.

I asked if he could tell me anything from the report from the scan. He said it looked surprisingly good. I asked just what that meant. He said it showed some fluid build up in the pelvic region. I thought to myself, yes, I can feel that. It is just pressure, not pain. He asked me how I felt. I told him I felt fine. (and I do most of the time. I have occasional days when my tummy bothers me some.) Then I asked if there was anything else. He said, Not much. So I asked, Are you saying we are sort of back to no evidence of disease? (Incredulously!) His response was on the order of, sort of. Then he went on to say, 'look, your disease is not acting like pancreatic cancer. We really haven't seen anyone this far after surgery with no treatment before. It's uncharted territory' So I guess I am back to square 3.14, or wherever. The next step is to have another scan and appointment in October. It seems a long way off, doesn't it? I hope to sort of forget that I have cancer for that time.

So, I have finally come to the conclusion (again!) that I am not in control of my life. Or my dying. I just have to wait, watch and see how it all unfolds. After all, death is an inevitable part of life.

If anyone does have any ideas about what is going on, please, please comment and give your slant on things. In the meantime, I feel really good and am back to work and going about my business, making plans. Oh, and boy! am I glad Daddy and I didn't cancel our plans to go on pilgrimage in January! We may still have to, but, I'm waiting until it become really, really obvious that I can't make it before I cancel.

Posted by Maman at 6:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Tomorrow (with sorrow), I go back to work. I know, I know. I love what I do and who I work with. Truth be told, I have rather enjoyed my "sick leave". I feel the need to qualify that because I only spent the first two weeks actually recuperating from my surgery. The next week was spent with Nathan and Ingrida, which was great because usually I am working when Nae is in town, so only see him in the evenings. We had a great visit and meeting Ingrida, his future bride was wonderful. They seem well suited to one another. The weekend was further enhanced by Mendon and Kristen and Rae, all coming into town to meet Ingrida and her father. We had a wonderful visit. Even Dustin, who was working 12 hour night shifts managed to participate. Gramma came out and we all went to a nice restaurant for a sort of "engagement party".

Mendon and Kristen left on Sunday. Nathan, Ingrida and her father left on Monday and Rae stayed around until Wednesday morning. You would think that I would have spent the rest of the week being busy and productive -- and you would have been wrong. I was lazy and relaxed and it was wonderful. We went to the beach. My Hospice nurse stopped by, but it was just a social visit so she could meet Liam, whom she had watch grow before he was born. I read several books. One, Stumbling on Happiness, was quite interesting. I recommend it. Another is a WWII novel set in the Philippines as told by three different characters. Also quite good. (When Elephants Dance) I am going to miss my reading time. Sigh. (The irony of this is that this month for our book club, we had two little fluff books and I had all this time. Last month we read a 660 page novel!)

Oh well, I am just grateful I am well enough to return to work.

Posted by Maman at 1:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

It's such a good feeling to know you're alive.
It's such a happy feeling: You're growing inside.
And when you wake up ready to say,
"I think I'll make a snappy new day."

Thank you, Mr. Rogers, for getting inside my head this morning. It is a snappy new day! And what a lovely one, too. The weather couldn't be more perfect. The thermometer outside the kitchen window is at about 80 but in the house it is 73. A dry crisp day, light breeze; it couldn't be more pleasant.

Dustin is sleeping after working last night. Mara is feeding our precious Liam (I have to share him with her!) while he peeks over her shoulder at me and forgets what he is doing. Mark is rummaging around in the kitchen looking for breakfast.

Mendon and Kristen seem to be settling into their jobs and their new roles as working stiffs in Chicago and having fun doing it. Rae is excitedly exploring new job opportunities. Nae is bringing Ingrida home to "meet the parents" and all is right with the world.

The Asian lilies are blooming, the roses, peonies and clematis just having passed. The yard is green and lush and the edible pod peas are ready to pick. (I'll do that in just a bit.) Mara picked cherried the other day and today we will make a pie. I might try to pick some more because there are still plenty on the tree. It would be nice to have a fresh cherry pie for Ingrida and her father. Oh, yes, he is coming too, with his fiancee. I should be running around the house making it presentable, but I am not, nor do I intend to. Like Popeye, "I yam who I yam.", and what I ain't is Martha Stewart! But enough about that. It is a beautiful day and I am not going to spoil it by dwelling on how guilty I feel about being a bit of a slob.

Enjoy your day, as I am.

Posted by Maman at 12:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)