This week Is going to be a bit stressful for me to get through. I'm a procrastinator at heart. Which means that when I'm given time, I tend to fritter it away. Interestingly, I tend to not complain about my time constraints, I've come to accept them as my own creation and deal with them as they come. I think, compared to most young people, I actually get started fairly early. That said, my prospects for this week are mostly work. But, I've pretty much done it. I haven't guaranteed my graduation, but I'm pretty close. The real question now is how well I'm going to go out this semester.
Many folks have suggested that as a way to deny that my mother has terminal pancreatic cancer (to be honest, we all have terminal life)...(demonstrative trailing off). I think that, instead, I've just gone numb. Not the freaky uncomfortable pins and needles numb. Loss of sensation. I don't know where it is that I've lost feeling but somewhere a signal stopped transmitting. It's like being in a dream where you're searching for something. Your scrambling around to find something that is so close to you that you can't even describe it. It doesn't matter that you can't describe it because what you are searching in, itself, has an esoteric meaning. My very world has become an existential quandry.
This brings me to the question that I've been dreading far more than graduating. What am I going to do next semester? Kristen will still be here. I'm pretty sure that if I'm unemployed that I'll drive her nuts. I'll sit around and try and invent board games, play video games, and write tragic (because of the writing quality) short stories. I'll try and write that horrible story about the anthropomorphized tumor that everyone is terrified of and ends up getting eaten by it. Wait, that's a totally good (good=bad) idea!
On a friendly parting note, I apologize if you read the E.T. cartoon and were offended/shocked. I'm sorry that our worlds are not perfectly aligned and that we are not so close that our consciousness is but what universally empathic being, guiding us all to peace and justice.
Posted by Mendon at December 3, 2006 8:30 PMRegardless of what you do next semester, I am hoping you have more free time to spend hanging out with me. You see I'm selfish and--no, that's not true. I miss you and Kristen as well.
I am relieved that you have said something about how you are feeling. Recently when I look at your and your family members' blogs I feel a helplessness--you are facing something I have never gone through, something I can't even imagine going through, something that I struggle to empathize with because I don't know how it feels. I like to think that I have a large capacity for empathy, so I am completely at a loss when I don't have that ability. But numbness--ok, I've been there. Loss of sensation, yes. Of course it's not the same, of course I won't be able to completely identify, but that helps me regain my footing.
I hope I am making sense and not just babbling. What I really want to say is, I want to be here for you. I want to be a Good Friend and help in any way that I can. I don't know what I can do, but if there is anything at all that I can do for you or your family, as a friend or even as an extra pair of hands, let me know. Ok?
Posted by: Hayley at December 4, 2006 1:35 AM