For the last week I have been in denial. Not in denial that my mother has a very serious health conditiion. No my denial was an emotional partitioning. I didn't realize how much I was doing this until yesterday and today. Yesterday, I took a statistics test. A few days prior, I emailed all of my professors and instructors regarding my mother's health and informing them that I might not be there. All of my professors responded with an outpouring of support (or even, hey, it's cool if you miss class we can just catch you up later), that is, except my professor for statistics and my T.A.
When I went in to take the test I don't think that they even put me and my email together. My prof tried chatting with me (I'm the class pet, this is not unusual) and only when I was super cold did she maybe figure something was wrong. I didn't know how important it had been to me that my profs just respond to that email.
So, realizing this, I went to my spanish professor today to thank her for her email. I told her that I didn't realize how important it was to me that people respond to that message until yesterday. I almost cried in front of my Spanish professor who I don't think thinks world of me:) So, we'll see how I do when I return home in a few weekends to see my family and my mother. Thanks to Mara and Rachael, I've been keeping in touch with my family and, to some degree, my emotions.
I think that the hardest realization that I've had from all of this so far is that I will not really be able to understand until my mother is gone. I thought of this this morning when I was in my personality psychology class and I realized that when my mother talks about her experience with her mother and her mother's death and that when she worries that her passing would be the hardest on me, she was unquestionably right.
Thanks for all of the support. I love you all.
Posted by Mendon at November 9, 2005 12:40 PMIn high school I had a classmate (a friend, though not a close one) who would call me when I stayed home sick--just a simple "I didn't see you in school today, so I wanted to see how you are." What an enormous difference simple acknowledgement makes! She couldn't have possibly known how good I felt after those phone calls. It's an important but difficult thing to keep in mind when we're on the other side and can give support.
Which, of course, reminds me that I have yet to make a card for your mother. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I've put it off for the silliest of all reasons--I don't know how to address her. Mrs. Dornbrook is much too formal. My girl scout leader used to get offended when kids called her by her first name, so I still have a tendency to avoid using first names with friends' parents, even when they've given me permission (yes, I still think of myself as a kid). I've called a few of my friends' parents "Mom" before, and was included in your family enough over the summer that I would feel comfortable using "Maman," but. . . in a card? It's silly, I know, but a problem.
Anyway, just remember that my room's always open as a place for studying/gaming/conversation (be it emotionally charged or get-your-mind-on-other-things.) This is a switch--I'm leaving the extremely lengthy comment on your blog.
Posted by: Hayley at November 9, 2005 2:44 PMDear Hayley,
Err, no offense or anything, but she's not exactly reading the cards . . . mostly I'm reading the gist to her. So, anyway you address her is fine. Maman or "Madame Maman" as she uses on the blogs would be fine, too. I'm pretty sure Stephanie is fine, too, since she knows you. "Mrs. D" used to be a popular one, too :-)
Posted by: Mara at November 9, 2005 8:25 PMMendon, Im truly sorry you have to go through such a difficult test, its important that you stay focused and positive and understand that you are in the midst of many sudden changes, running forward and dodging all obstacles, dont fall, dont loose sight of your dreams, Im sure your entire family is right next to you ready to help you get on your feet and recharged. Its 10 days till your wedding, one of the most important moments of your life, Im so glad I will be there to see it and be with you and everybody.
Life goes on.
I love you very much, see you soon! hugs, R.
Posted by: Rahmat at November 12, 2005 7:03 PMThank you Rahmat. I appreciate the support. ummm, dont forget my wedding is actually in 14 days. thanks.
Posted by: Mendon at November 12, 2005 7:44 PM