I've updated my YouTube site. So, just roll your mouse on over to the right side of the screen, find "My YouTube", click on it, and enjoy! There are 4 new videos, some of which are already a few months old, but you know, whatever.

Our family is changing. I imagine I'm not the only one who senses that. Instead of my mother being connected to us and up-to-date on all of our lives, we are trying to do that all ourselves. It certainly isn't that our mother stood in the way, but she was the only one doing that much work to stay in touch with all of us, I think. Not to say that we were all shabby about - Nathan set up these blogs, Rae is great at writing letters and sending little gifts, Mendon would call. We all made efforts, but now, well now we just simply all do a lot more legwork. It is as if our very lives depended upon it. At least, that's how I feel. I feel as if, even for one minute, I become disconnected from one of my siblings or my father, that something awful will happen.

Shortly after my father headed home on Friday morning, I went out for something in the same direction that he had gone, and I had horrible visions of finding his car on the highway. I tried to wait patiently for his phone call to tell me he had returned home safely.

I sometimes think about one of us dying, or even being told about some serious illness we'll have to deal with, and how that would effect our family right now. I cringe.

I saw greeting cards for "grandparents day" - hello greeting card holiday! - except, I didn't think "how phony", I thought, wow, if I really wanted to wound my father, I'd send him one of those, 'cause, wow, doesn't that hurt? Boo. Yuck.

On the bright side, I'm looking into joining a motherless daughters support group at a hospice here in town. At this point, it sort of feels like another chore, but I suspect it may be just what I need. I know my mother would recommend it to me.

Blargh.

By the way, Papa, Liam now runs to the door with his big bubble makers and says, "bubbles? bubbles? out? out?" And he'll randomly say, "Goon-dah. Goon-dah" (his version of "Goompah)

Liam has been showing vague signs of readiness for toilet training, so I decided to give it a go. Before he gets into his bath, I have him sit on the toilet, as he almost always starts out his bath by peeing in it.

So, I thought, hey we're not traveling anywhere for a few weeks, why not give it a whack. This morning, when we all got up, I set him on his potty. And he used it! I'll spare you the details of how ;-) But he did, so false start or no, it's a start. We'll see where it goes from here, but wow, would it be awesome not to be changing diapers for another two years.

I'm hemming curtains for the kitchen in between thoughts.

Our kitchen is now full of our kitchen stuff - stuff we'd totally forgotten we owned (it has been 5 years).

Nathan's wedding is coming together. Good thing, as it is in less than a month now!

I miss my mother a lot. Leroy Seivers died on Friday. He may mean nothing to you, but he had a blog, "My Cancer", on NPR.org, my mother was a regular and that is what got her featured on Ted Koppel's show about Leroy and cancer. It just absolutely tickled her that she was a part of that show. It was a rare happy spot in her final years. Really, really happy. She wore purple for every part of the show (3 parts). Leroy dying means something to me. I can't even tell you what. A closing of a chapter? A reopening of a wound? I can't say. I cried. But on the other hand, it was certainly no surprise. Both he and my mother were supposed to be dead years ago.

I realized the other day that I'm not sure that I have the emotional strength to have any more children without my mother around. Anyone know what I'm talking about? (Ironically, I'm pretty sure my mother would.) I don't know who knows this, but I very much had Liam for her. She certainly knew it. Without that impetus.... it's a much scarier proposition.

On a lighter note, Liam is big into wearing shoes right now and is definitely showing signs of potty-readiness. We'll see. I don't have any expectations. He's also really mastering the sign language. I need to look into more baby signs. I could do random signs, but I realized that if there are books out there on "baby sign", they're probably geared toward the things babies are interested in, which in my mind, simply saves time. Why teach him the word for sunrise if he simply doesn't care right now?

Well, I'm going to go finish these curtains. Cheers... or put a crying baby back to sleep...sigh...

We're finally back in a space all our own, and boy-howdy does it feel good!

Don't get me wrong, there were very real perks to living with others (free/cheap rent, sharing chores, company, etc...), but it is so nice to bring out our artwork again, and choose our own furniture, and let Liam roam into whatever room he wishes because it's all (fairly) childproof (or will be).

Not to mention the fact that we can walk to just about everything. Everything! Okay, Mark has to bike to work, but groceries, pharmacy, hairdresser, bank, dry cleaners, chiropractor, library, coffeehouse, gelateria, pizzeria, post office, park, pool, second-hand kids ship, second-hand furniture shop, ... yeah, see what I mean?

Feels good.

Today we were introduced to some folks in town from Kenya. It was a nice little slice of what it was like to live at the World Centre.

Oh, and Liam? Has taken to mimicking just about every sound he hears. For example, when Mark carries him, as Mark takes steps Liam says, "boom! boom! boom!" Hahahaha!

I was telling a story about how he got up the stairs and I listened to him running across the kitchen floor, pitter patter, pitter patter, and then running back to the stairs. Next thing I know, Liam is saying, "pitter patter, pitter patter" (sounding a lot like, "batter, batter, batter" in baseball).

Hopefully before too long I'll get around to photos of our little slice of half-a-house.

I was very nearly there. Fortunately, when I texted my bro' Nathan, he had the good intuition to pick up the phone and call me back. I really needed that call. Thanks, Nae.

Today is our 8th anniversary. Funny, but I just sorta' thought, "8 years? That's all?" I mean, I've done a lot since I got married. It just seems a bit amazing that it only took 8 years.

Here's a tally:

Lived on 3 continents. (moved 7 times, this'll be the 8th)
Wrote a master's thesis (got a master's degree).
Lived in Haifa, Israel working at my dream job.
Watched my mother die from cancer.
Gave birth to a son.

Wow, yeah, these have been some weighty years. Last night, Mark said to me, "you should get your PhD." Ha! I think I've had enough weight this decade.

As we're about to move, Mark got permission from our new landlady to move a few items into the house in advance. So, he sent me a menu for a restaurant, got me to tell him what I thought looked good, ordered it, got our dining room set over to the house, and we ate dinner in our new apartment and then walked around the house talking about what we might want to do with each room, how to childproof, stuff like that.

It was very sweet, and helped gel in my mind that it's really happening.

He now kisses Grannie Nannie when he sees her picture.

How could I not become a globbing mess of goo when I see that?

Seriously.

Err, no actually, I'm not. I want you all to look at them and then tell me how cute you think he is. Shameless, I know.

Anyhow, I posted two more videos of Liam over on You Tube. In one, he walks! Yes, he is finally walking. In the other, he is dancing and that video is definitely not to be missed!

So, just let your eyes (and your mouse) find their way over to the right hand side of the screen the the "My You Tube" link. Click. Enjoy.

Oh yeah, and then tell me how great it was. :-)

Yesterday was busy. We had friends over in the baby pool (Fun!).

Then we went to Chipotle for free burritos. The line was, not surprisingly, long, but then not only was it raining, but it started lightning and thundering. We went across the street and ate at Baja Fresh, heheheh.

Then we went to the Baha'i Nineteen Day Feast and Liam started walking! He'd taken some steps at our instigation, but last night he decided he'd start walking by himself for himself. Very sweet.

Then the storm started. The lightning and thunder were so loud and so bright I am convinced it was directly over our home. It was so loud that Liam literally jumped in his sleep! Then the tornado sirens started going off, so we headed to the basement. Fortunately, Liam slept through the whole event.

One heckuva day!

But you can go to the handy link on your right (My You Tube) and see all of the latest videos.

On Sunday, Liam came down with a stomach virus. Sick, ick. Vomiting everything everywhere. It was in the 90s and I was very concerned about dehydration since he was vomiting so much. He started nursing every 2 (remember that TWO) hours. Usually, he nurses every 5 or 6 hours.

What does that mean? It means my body produced more milk to keep up with him.

Fast forward to Wednesday. He's finally gone 24 hours without vomiting. He's eating some crackers and rice.

And he decides he no longer wants to nurse. Ever. E - V - E - R. Ummm...try not peeing for two days, maybe you'll understand?

Well, in any case, we dealt with it. He is now officially weaned (as if I had anything to do with it!!). You should have seen him. I'd try to nurse him, and he simply looked at me as if I were an alien. He ended by literally pushing me (OW!) away. Took me 2 days to be totally convinced.

However, another nice side effect of Liam being weaned (are you sitting down?) is that ... drumroll please ... he is sleeping through the night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There aren't enough exclamation points in the world for that.

Phew. Now we just have to get him to like his crib. But, hey, I'm liking life right now, so, we'll just wait on that one for a bit.

Oh! I can wear dresses now! Yippee!

Editor's Update: Liam's iron level is now normal! Double Yippee!

Truly, an auspicious week.

I'm feeling snarky, amongst other things.

To add to the list of my wonderful life at the moment, today I found MOLD growing behind our bed - and lots of it. What else to do but attack it? So I did, taking dirty laundry down to the basement to wash ... to find water, puddled, on the carpeted floor.

Rah! Rant! Rant! Rant! I could go on, get pissy, and probably make some people not like me very much, so I'll stop there.

Last night I had another dream about being an artist, getting asked to participate in a film festival in India for my work (which included a red clay & ruby nautilus that also somehow involved film). I told my mother, "maybe I could actually make a career of this" and she sighed, replying, "that's what I've been trying to tell you."

I say decided because before that he'd sort of lift his leg, not succeed and go on with his life. Then, two days ago, I looked down and suddenly, presto! there was Liam on top of our trunk. Where is our trunk? Oh, right in front of the desk where the computer lives. So, if you see some random plus signs, numbers, etc. in my correspondence, you know why.

It also means he can climb onto furniture. Which means, basically, that a "childproof house" is now a joke. Seriously, try lighting your home or reading a book without it being destroyed by a toddler who can climb.

Some of our friends, who have a 2 and 5 year old themselves, upon learning that Liam can now climb, just laughed and said, "good luck. welcome to the end of the world." This was my mother's favorite time?

On the other hand, he is talking up a storm. It is somehow so much fun to have him 'talk' to me, others, and himself. It seems like he laughs a lot more now, too.

He's also become rather conscious of me moving away from him. Even if I don't leave the room, if I walk away he'll get upset about it. Phew - that means lots of crying. I don't like the crying, but I am not going to give in to him and have that be our frame of reference. I do things like sing as I leave the room so that he knows I still exist and can follow me if he wishes. Otherwise, he can just cry until I come back.

Hmm, maybe I shouldn't end on that note?

I hear they've placed the headstone on my mother's gravesite. My dad said it looks really nice. I look forward to seeing it. With that and the dogwood at her feet that my father planted it should look really nice.

Maybe I over think things. Maybe it's the migraines. But all this mothering stuff, even if I can do it well, doesn't come naturally to me. Even if it appears so. Even if you think I am because I stay at home, or nurse or whatever. It doesn't come naturally.

I see other mothers make decisions to just keep having children, or get up at all hours of the night for long periods of time, or whatever, and I just think, "nope. I don't have it in me."

[Editor's note: this is where my mother would chime in: "Mara, you are comparing your insides to other people's outsides."]

I know. In fact, one of the 'outsides' I am comparing myself is to my mother. Four?! Four children?! Dear lord in the heavens above, how does anyone ever manage that?! I... I ... I'm speechless.

Frankly, it's a little amazing to me that anyone EVER decides to have even a second child. In fact, I am in awe that humanity continues to exist and that one generation simply didn't say, umm, heck no! Thanks, but no thanks!

So, if you ask me how motherhood is treating me, and I stumble? This is what's running through my head (simultaneously with a "what's an acceptable response?").